Things have been going pretty well the past few days. On Monday night (Feb. 1st) I think it was, it was a dark cloud (my sister's expression but it's entirely accurate) seemed to have lifted from me and I started to feel a lot less depressed and anxious. I was even able to do some work over the past two days. The only thing I can attribute the improvement to is the increase in Cymbalta.
My husband left yesterday afternoon to Kingston for yesterday and today so he could do a few things at home in Kingston and so far I've been ok with him gone. I was tempted to go and buy a bottle of wine earlier this afternoon because I was feeling a little anxious but I didn't follow through so that's a good thing. And that even though I don't have any Ativan PRNs.
As for voices, I haven't had any since last Friday. This could be due to the Risperdal that my pdoc put me on or more likely, because I haven't really had any stressors or other anxiety provoking events happen. I'm so thankful for this because the voices are impossible to tolerate.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Me and My Beast - 01/28/10
Thursday, January 28th 2010
I'm free! I finally met with my doctor this afternoon and was discharged from the hospital. My doctor never asked me about the voices I heard over the weekend despite me telling my addictions counselor. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to tell anybody about the people talking to me from the ceiling but my addictions counselor asked how my weekend out went on Tuesday when I met with him and it just came up in conversation. At the time I wasn't sure if they were hallucinations or not until he said he felt they were since nobody else was around at a the time. I guess it only seems logical.
When a schizophrenic is experiencing hallucinations (visual, audible, or otherwise), they are very real. I was thoroughly convinced at the time that I was supposed to join the voices by committing suicide. In hindsight, now that the voices are gone and I've had time to think about it, it only makes sense that I thought I was supposed to join them since I was already suicidal and the voices were very soothing.
I'll be picking up my son from my Dad's tomorrow morning then we're going to get groceries as there's hardly any food in the house. The lease for the new house in Rockport is now officially a done deal - I went and signed it today and gave them cheques for first, last and all months in between for the next year. I can't wait to move and get out of this cramped house I'm in now.
January 29th, 2010
Today has been an alright day so far I suppose. I had some anxiety around going to drop off the cheques and pick up my blister packs (meds) for the next two weeks. It was all I could do to get bathed and go. I kept procrastinating about doing anything - instead I just wanted to nap and smoke cigarettes. Right now, as I type this, I'm feeling really anxious even though I've take two PRNs (2mb Ativan/Lorazepam) which is my limit for the day. Limits mean nothing to me when I'm feeling really anxious or depressed. I also have a little bit of a desire to cut myself, more specifically, my arm. I don't know why I always beat up on my arms but that's where I have always cut in the past. It is an amazingly good way to relieve anxiety. I say good but really what I mean is effective, not good. I know it's not good to self-harm but it works for me.
--
The voices are back. This time they're telling me to cut myself and I think it's a direct result of the anxiety/stress that I'm under.
I don't know if it was mentioned in this or previous posts but I requested to my doctor that he increase my ativan/lorazepam sublingual dose from 1mg to 2mgs as I didn't feel that 1mg as sufficient. I was feeling really anxious a little while earlier so I took all of them just by swallowing (not sublingually). I figured between that and two bottles of wine, my anxiety should be reduced significantly which it has. I feel like I don't have a fucking care in the world right now. Now the challenge is going to be getting over anxiety with no PRNs for the next weeks. I know that what I have taken isn't fatal unfortunately.
On another note, I have determined that after drinking beer that last Friday night about two weeks ago when the police took me back to the hospital, I HATE the taste of beer. It makes me puke. Also, earlier this week, I ordered an Irish Coffee from one of the more popular pizzerias in town not knowing what to expect and it turned out to be an alcoholic drink and a disgusting one at that. I took one little sip and left the rest there. I gues you learn something new everyday. I'm not sure what I was expecting; perhaps a coffee with a special cream but not something that included alcohol. The menu didn't make any reference to alcohol or liqueurs of any such sort. I was going to take it back my I figured that perhaps I should have known what an Irish Coffee is. Oh well. It's like my body is shutting down for all alcohol as everything I drink tastes gross. (well with the exception of the bubbly sweet wine i bought tonight. Shit, I think even my son would like it it's sooooo sweet.It does the trick however, albeit, slowly given it's low alcohol content. I have a strong desire to cut myself. I'll post within this post as an ammedment (seperated by \n--\n to identify if I cut myself.
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I'm posting this on February 2nd as I just noticed in draft and I have some updates. The voices I heard telling me to cut myself subsided but only after following through with their demands. I met with my pdoc today and he added a small dose of Risperdal (1mg in the morning) to see if that helps the voices from coming back. My Mom came to the appointment cause she wanted to make sure he addressed the voices and express her concern over the fact that I was able to pick up a bottle of Ativan instead of the ACT team bringing two doses out to me daily as was the original plan. My husband came down on Sunday so I stayed at my Mom's Friday (Jan. 29th) after going to the hospital and getting stitches. My son joined me at my Mom's on Saturday night as it was evident that my Dad didn't want me at his house (what an asshole) and we finally all came back home on Sunday afternoon. Things weren't going very well, I was very depressed and a little anxious, for the past couple of days but as of last night my mood improved significantly.
I'm going to finally publish this post. I'll post updates as they happen.
...J
I'm free! I finally met with my doctor this afternoon and was discharged from the hospital. My doctor never asked me about the voices I heard over the weekend despite me telling my addictions counselor. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to tell anybody about the people talking to me from the ceiling but my addictions counselor asked how my weekend out went on Tuesday when I met with him and it just came up in conversation. At the time I wasn't sure if they were hallucinations or not until he said he felt they were since nobody else was around at a the time. I guess it only seems logical.
When a schizophrenic is experiencing hallucinations (visual, audible, or otherwise), they are very real. I was thoroughly convinced at the time that I was supposed to join the voices by committing suicide. In hindsight, now that the voices are gone and I've had time to think about it, it only makes sense that I thought I was supposed to join them since I was already suicidal and the voices were very soothing.
I'll be picking up my son from my Dad's tomorrow morning then we're going to get groceries as there's hardly any food in the house. The lease for the new house in Rockport is now officially a done deal - I went and signed it today and gave them cheques for first, last and all months in between for the next year. I can't wait to move and get out of this cramped house I'm in now.
January 29th, 2010
Today has been an alright day so far I suppose. I had some anxiety around going to drop off the cheques and pick up my blister packs (meds) for the next two weeks. It was all I could do to get bathed and go. I kept procrastinating about doing anything - instead I just wanted to nap and smoke cigarettes. Right now, as I type this, I'm feeling really anxious even though I've take two PRNs (2mb Ativan/Lorazepam) which is my limit for the day. Limits mean nothing to me when I'm feeling really anxious or depressed. I also have a little bit of a desire to cut myself, more specifically, my arm. I don't know why I always beat up on my arms but that's where I have always cut in the past. It is an amazingly good way to relieve anxiety. I say good but really what I mean is effective, not good. I know it's not good to self-harm but it works for me.
--
The voices are back. This time they're telling me to cut myself and I think it's a direct result of the anxiety/stress that I'm under.
I don't know if it was mentioned in this or previous posts but I requested to my doctor that he increase my ativan/lorazepam sublingual dose from 1mg to 2mgs as I didn't feel that 1mg as sufficient. I was feeling really anxious a little while earlier so I took all of them just by swallowing (not sublingually). I figured between that and two bottles of wine, my anxiety should be reduced significantly which it has. I feel like I don't have a fucking care in the world right now. Now the challenge is going to be getting over anxiety with no PRNs for the next weeks. I know that what I have taken isn't fatal unfortunately.
On another note, I have determined that after drinking beer that last Friday night about two weeks ago when the police took me back to the hospital, I HATE the taste of beer. It makes me puke. Also, earlier this week, I ordered an Irish Coffee from one of the more popular pizzerias in town not knowing what to expect and it turned out to be an alcoholic drink and a disgusting one at that. I took one little sip and left the rest there. I gues you learn something new everyday. I'm not sure what I was expecting; perhaps a coffee with a special cream but not something that included alcohol. The menu didn't make any reference to alcohol or liqueurs of any such sort. I was going to take it back my I figured that perhaps I should have known what an Irish Coffee is. Oh well. It's like my body is shutting down for all alcohol as everything I drink tastes gross. (well with the exception of the bubbly sweet wine i bought tonight. Shit, I think even my son would like it it's sooooo sweet.It does the trick however, albeit, slowly given it's low alcohol content. I have a strong desire to cut myself. I'll post within this post as an ammedment (seperated by \n--\n to identify if I cut myself.
--
I'm posting this on February 2nd as I just noticed in draft and I have some updates. The voices I heard telling me to cut myself subsided but only after following through with their demands. I met with my pdoc today and he added a small dose of Risperdal (1mg in the morning) to see if that helps the voices from coming back. My Mom came to the appointment cause she wanted to make sure he addressed the voices and express her concern over the fact that I was able to pick up a bottle of Ativan instead of the ACT team bringing two doses out to me daily as was the original plan. My husband came down on Sunday so I stayed at my Mom's Friday (Jan. 29th) after going to the hospital and getting stitches. My son joined me at my Mom's on Saturday night as it was evident that my Dad didn't want me at his house (what an asshole) and we finally all came back home on Sunday afternoon. Things weren't going very well, I was very depressed and a little anxious, for the past couple of days but as of last night my mood improved significantly.
I'm going to finally publish this post. I'll post updates as they happen.
...J
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Me and My Beast - 01/23/10
So far my weekend outing is going well. My son and I are at home this weekend because my Dad needed some time alone. It's just as well that he asked that I go home for the weekend cause I was anxious about going there for an entire weekend anyways. Last night, my son and I went out for dinner then to see the movie Avatar. I thought it was good but unfortunately, the theatre in Brockille wasn't showing the movie in 3D which kinda sucks. It looks like it would be an amazing movie to watch in 3D.
I've been experiencing a lot of suicidal thoughts today and am a little depressed and anxious. Fortunately, my anxiety level hasn't been high enough to warrant taking a PRN of Ativan since I used all three that the hospital gave me for the weekend last night. Last night was horrible in the way of anxiety - it felt as though somebody was sitting on my chest so breathing was difficult. I started by taking one PRN, then another 30 minutes later, then the third about an hour after the second. I probably shouldn't have taken all three but they weren't working - by the third though I felt relief on my chest and breathing became much easier.
I'll put up another post on Monday and write about how my first ECT session for this series went.
...J
I've been experiencing a lot of suicidal thoughts today and am a little depressed and anxious. Fortunately, my anxiety level hasn't been high enough to warrant taking a PRN of Ativan since I used all three that the hospital gave me for the weekend last night. Last night was horrible in the way of anxiety - it felt as though somebody was sitting on my chest so breathing was difficult. I started by taking one PRN, then another 30 minutes later, then the third about an hour after the second. I probably shouldn't have taken all three but they weren't working - by the third though I felt relief on my chest and breathing became much easier.
I'll put up another post on Monday and write about how my first ECT session for this series went.
...J
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Me and My Beast - 01/24/10 [Updated]
I was supposed to have my first ECT treatment this morning but I bailed at the last minute and left the ECT suite and walked back to the inpatient unit. All weekend, I stressed about the idea of having ECT again what with all the memory loss that comes along with it for me (8 months of memory loss last time with 12 treatments). Also, when I walked into the suite, flashbacks of when I got three treatments about 6 months ago consumed my thoughts - seeing the ECT machine (this hospital has an old-fashioned machine), the unpleasant prick of the IV going in, seeing them put the electrodes and band around my head and the groggy feeling when coming out of the anesthetic. When I returned to the inpatient unit, I told the nurses to call over to the ECT suite because I didn't even tell anybody that I was going; it was a very last minute decision. I'm sure my doctor is pissed off at me but I don't know for sure since he never bothered to come and talk to me today even though I specifically made sure I was on the ward until 13:30 when I was told he left for the day. I was surprised my doctor didn't come around to see me since he was so eager to discharge me if I wasn't willing to do ECT last week.
A few hours after returning to the ward, I spoke with the nurse that runs the ECT suite and expressed my concerns about having ECT and she made the suggestion that I could have fewer sessions per week which should reduce memory loss. Normally they do ECT three times a week (Mon, Wed, Fri) and continue at that rate until one is feeling sufficiently better so that they don't have a relapse of symptoms (in my case depression and anxiety). I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I have to make my mind up by tomorrow as the next ECT session is Wednesday.
Over the weekend, I think the anxiety got to me as I was hearing voices. I didn't really think much of it at the time other than I felt that I was supposed to join the people that were calling me from above (the ceiling). The voices were of different men just calling my name softly. They were actually quite soothing, perhaps because at the time I was suicidal and suicide is often a soothing thought for me. Fortunately, the episode of people calling me was short-lived. I don't intend on telling my doctor or anybody for that matter about the voices. The last thing I want is an increase in Haldol as I'm presently at a good injection dose (on the high side already) that has been working in the past. If they persist which so far there's no sign of, then I will tell my doctor about them. Plus, if I tell my doctor then I'm sure he'll just add that as ammunition to do ECT.
I finally spoke to my husband this morning (the last we spoke was last Thursday night) and although he had some drawn out excuse that he took double his pills and slept for two days straight and that's why he didn't call or take my calls, I don't think he's telling the truth. I suspect that he's been drinking again as he didn't even call me all weekend. I didn't mention my suspicion, rather I just brushed his excuse off and told him that I didn't need him to come down after all and that I would be going to my Mom's after this week with my son until I stabilized. Now I'm thinking that I likely won't go to my Mom's after all instead I'll take my son home. The only real stressor that I have about going home with my son is the idea of having to be expected to cook good meals every night. Before I got sick, I used to love cooking and experimenting with different recipes and I feel that once I move and have a decent kitchen again then hopefully that desire to cook will come back. Right now, I feel so cramped in my kitchen and all the cupboards are a mess in the kitchen because it's so small so everything is jammed in the cupboards and I don't know where half my cooking supplies are. The new house has a very large kitchen with plenty of cupboard space. While the idea of moving is still stressful and anxiety provoking, overall I'm really looking forward to being in the new place.
That's my update for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow or Wednesday and mention what my doctor said and my decision surrounding ECT.
...J
A few hours after returning to the ward, I spoke with the nurse that runs the ECT suite and expressed my concerns about having ECT and she made the suggestion that I could have fewer sessions per week which should reduce memory loss. Normally they do ECT three times a week (Mon, Wed, Fri) and continue at that rate until one is feeling sufficiently better so that they don't have a relapse of symptoms (in my case depression and anxiety). I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I have to make my mind up by tomorrow as the next ECT session is Wednesday.
Over the weekend, I think the anxiety got to me as I was hearing voices. I didn't really think much of it at the time other than I felt that I was supposed to join the people that were calling me from above (the ceiling). The voices were of different men just calling my name softly. They were actually quite soothing, perhaps because at the time I was suicidal and suicide is often a soothing thought for me. Fortunately, the episode of people calling me was short-lived. I don't intend on telling my doctor or anybody for that matter about the voices. The last thing I want is an increase in Haldol as I'm presently at a good injection dose (on the high side already) that has been working in the past. If they persist which so far there's no sign of, then I will tell my doctor about them. Plus, if I tell my doctor then I'm sure he'll just add that as ammunition to do ECT.
I finally spoke to my husband this morning (the last we spoke was last Thursday night) and although he had some drawn out excuse that he took double his pills and slept for two days straight and that's why he didn't call or take my calls, I don't think he's telling the truth. I suspect that he's been drinking again as he didn't even call me all weekend. I didn't mention my suspicion, rather I just brushed his excuse off and told him that I didn't need him to come down after all and that I would be going to my Mom's after this week with my son until I stabilized. Now I'm thinking that I likely won't go to my Mom's after all instead I'll take my son home. The only real stressor that I have about going home with my son is the idea of having to be expected to cook good meals every night. Before I got sick, I used to love cooking and experimenting with different recipes and I feel that once I move and have a decent kitchen again then hopefully that desire to cook will come back. Right now, I feel so cramped in my kitchen and all the cupboards are a mess in the kitchen because it's so small so everything is jammed in the cupboards and I don't know where half my cooking supplies are. The new house has a very large kitchen with plenty of cupboard space. While the idea of moving is still stressful and anxiety provoking, overall I'm really looking forward to being in the new place.
That's my update for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow or Wednesday and mention what my doctor said and my decision surrounding ECT.
...J
Me and My Beast - 01/21/10
Well the house in Rockport is a done deal! I'm moving March 1st and have to go next week to sign the lease and give them the cheques. The stress of moving isn't so overwhelming anymore so that's good.
My visit with my son went well last night and I am planning on leaving the hospital for the weekend this weekend to stay with my son at my Dad's place. My husband is coming down on Monday (the day I start ECT) to clean the house and then the plan is to have my son come back home some time next week (likely Wednesday) and stay with my husband. Also, I spoke with my pdoc this afternoon to confirm ECT on Monday, request a weekend pass and to outline my plans. I'm hoping that after next week, having three treatments under my belt, I'll be well enough to go home and stay with my husband and son and finish my treatments as an outpatient. I'm really looking forward to getting out of the hospital and back into more comfortable surroundings. Although I hate packing, I am also looking forward to cleaning out the entire house and throwing away clothes and other belongings that I no longer use. I just love throwing things out!
I spoke with my current landlord tonight and told him about my plans to move. He's not all that happy about not having 60 days notice but I just said that given all the issues I've had with the house and the fact that I'm leaving behind a full tank of propane for the fireplace and whatever oil is left over that I didn't feel that it was unjustified. Of course, he didn't agree and was actually planning on calling me regarding a $155 propane tank rental bill that he was hoping I would pay for. Even if I were planning on staying, I would have told him to take the bill and shove it up his ass...to me that's just the cost of doing business and part of owning a rental property. He didn't see it that way but oh well. I asked that he drop my cheques for February through to June that I gave him off at my house. We'll see if that happens or not or whether I need to put a stop payment on the cheques.
I think the new landlords and I are going to get along just fine. The co-owner I met today was very nice and straightforward about things and the person from the marina that takes care of the house was really nice as well. They have agreed to pay for part of the costs of paint and will allow me to paint in February providing I have already paid first and last months rent. This shouldn't be a problem. When I go next week, I plan on giving them a cheque for last months rent then I'll likely give them the first months rent the first week of February. As I think more about moving, I get more excited now rather than stressed. My Dad has offered to help move if I can't get ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) to cover the mover expenses. Although I could likely afford movers myself, it's not an expense I'm prepared to absorb myself if I don't get it covered.
Anyways, I have to get off the 'puter and go call my Mom to tell her about the most recent updates since she doesn't read my blog. It's too high-tech for her I guess! :-)
...J
My visit with my son went well last night and I am planning on leaving the hospital for the weekend this weekend to stay with my son at my Dad's place. My husband is coming down on Monday (the day I start ECT) to clean the house and then the plan is to have my son come back home some time next week (likely Wednesday) and stay with my husband. Also, I spoke with my pdoc this afternoon to confirm ECT on Monday, request a weekend pass and to outline my plans. I'm hoping that after next week, having three treatments under my belt, I'll be well enough to go home and stay with my husband and son and finish my treatments as an outpatient. I'm really looking forward to getting out of the hospital and back into more comfortable surroundings. Although I hate packing, I am also looking forward to cleaning out the entire house and throwing away clothes and other belongings that I no longer use. I just love throwing things out!
I spoke with my current landlord tonight and told him about my plans to move. He's not all that happy about not having 60 days notice but I just said that given all the issues I've had with the house and the fact that I'm leaving behind a full tank of propane for the fireplace and whatever oil is left over that I didn't feel that it was unjustified. Of course, he didn't agree and was actually planning on calling me regarding a $155 propane tank rental bill that he was hoping I would pay for. Even if I were planning on staying, I would have told him to take the bill and shove it up his ass...to me that's just the cost of doing business and part of owning a rental property. He didn't see it that way but oh well. I asked that he drop my cheques for February through to June that I gave him off at my house. We'll see if that happens or not or whether I need to put a stop payment on the cheques.
I think the new landlords and I are going to get along just fine. The co-owner I met today was very nice and straightforward about things and the person from the marina that takes care of the house was really nice as well. They have agreed to pay for part of the costs of paint and will allow me to paint in February providing I have already paid first and last months rent. This shouldn't be a problem. When I go next week, I plan on giving them a cheque for last months rent then I'll likely give them the first months rent the first week of February. As I think more about moving, I get more excited now rather than stressed. My Dad has offered to help move if I can't get ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) to cover the mover expenses. Although I could likely afford movers myself, it's not an expense I'm prepared to absorb myself if I don't get it covered.
Anyways, I have to get off the 'puter and go call my Mom to tell her about the most recent updates since she doesn't read my blog. It's too high-tech for her I guess! :-)
...J
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Me and My Beast - 01/20/10
I have a couple of updates to report on today. First off, since this is my mental health related blog, I'll start with that. I met with my pdoc this morning and he didn't want to give the anti-depressant (Cymbalta) increase any further time to work so we agreed that I'd start a round of ECT beginning next Monday. They did the necessary pre-ECT routine (ECG and urine sample) this afternoon so I'd be ready and my pdoc reminded me that he would have to take away the last of the clonazepam as well as my Ativan (lorazepam) PRNs which is really scary for me right now. This is standard procedure as all benzodiazepines (*pam) are anti-seizure medication as well and the whole idea of ECT is to inject enough electricity into your head to give your brain a seizure. Scary stuff when you actually think about what they are doing to you. Oh well, it helped in the past and I'm convinced that it will help again this time around. My pdoc also mentioned that in Brockville, where I'm getting this round of treatments done, they do it differently than in Ottawa where I had my last round of 12 done so he said it may require fewer treatments this time around. I hope so because the memory loss is terrible at 12 treatments.
--
I'm going to see the owners of the house in Rockport that I might be renting come March 1st tomorrow afternoon at 13:00. I'm hoping to negotiate the rent to $900 from $950 and also ask some additional questions that haven't been answered yet surrounding oil consumption, painting, etc. The idea of moving is slowly stressing me out less and less the more I think about it. I absolutely hate moving even with movers involved. It's the packing and organizing that I hate the most I think but hopefully I can get some help on that front from my husband.
--
My son and I went to his appointment this afternoon after school at the Child and Youth Wellness Centre where we met with a counselor (a new one) for the second time. She seems really nice and has a very good bubbly personality just like the past counselor so that's good but my son didn't care - he was still very quiet and didn't come around to saying much of anything until the end of the session (figures). At the end, she asked if there was anything that she could provide, like a treat or something to make the sessions easier on him and all he could think of was money! He said he wanted $50 per session if he was going to continue coming to them. That's my boy - business-like attitude and always trying to make a buck!
I meet again with her alone next week. I know I mentioned that my son has ADHD, the inattentive type, but I'm not sure if I mentioned that he has difficulty controlling his anger (part of ADHD). Hopefully, between the slight medication increase that he will be getting soon and some counseling, he'll learn how to control his anger. It has gotten to the point where he is swearing and yelling at me and throwing things. I know it has been a bumpy ride for him since I first got sick back in 2003/2004 being moved from place to place and having an emotionally fragile father so I'm really hoping that the counselor can get him talking about these issues and how he truly feels about things without worry that he's going to hurt my feelings. In addition, not having a consistently available mother probably doesn't help things as well for him. He disagreed in the session today about that and the fact that he could use some counseling but I'm sure given time, things will improve and get easier for him to discuss with the counselor.
Some them thar are my updates for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow night after I call my current landlord and tell him to take his tiny dumpy house and shove it up his ass!
...J
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I'm going to see the owners of the house in Rockport that I might be renting come March 1st tomorrow afternoon at 13:00. I'm hoping to negotiate the rent to $900 from $950 and also ask some additional questions that haven't been answered yet surrounding oil consumption, painting, etc. The idea of moving is slowly stressing me out less and less the more I think about it. I absolutely hate moving even with movers involved. It's the packing and organizing that I hate the most I think but hopefully I can get some help on that front from my husband.
--
My son and I went to his appointment this afternoon after school at the Child and Youth Wellness Centre where we met with a counselor (a new one) for the second time. She seems really nice and has a very good bubbly personality just like the past counselor so that's good but my son didn't care - he was still very quiet and didn't come around to saying much of anything until the end of the session (figures). At the end, she asked if there was anything that she could provide, like a treat or something to make the sessions easier on him and all he could think of was money! He said he wanted $50 per session if he was going to continue coming to them. That's my boy - business-like attitude and always trying to make a buck!
I meet again with her alone next week. I know I mentioned that my son has ADHD, the inattentive type, but I'm not sure if I mentioned that he has difficulty controlling his anger (part of ADHD). Hopefully, between the slight medication increase that he will be getting soon and some counseling, he'll learn how to control his anger. It has gotten to the point where he is swearing and yelling at me and throwing things. I know it has been a bumpy ride for him since I first got sick back in 2003/2004 being moved from place to place and having an emotionally fragile father so I'm really hoping that the counselor can get him talking about these issues and how he truly feels about things without worry that he's going to hurt my feelings. In addition, not having a consistently available mother probably doesn't help things as well for him. He disagreed in the session today about that and the fact that he could use some counseling but I'm sure given time, things will improve and get easier for him to discuss with the counselor.
Some them thar are my updates for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow night after I call my current landlord and tell him to take his tiny dumpy house and shove it up his ass!
...J
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Me and My Beast - 01/19/09
It's been awhile since my last post and I have a number of updates since my last post.
First off, I have pretty much given up on the rental house in Mallorytown. I still haven't heard back from either owner which is too bad because it's in a perfect location and I know it's nice inside and out. However, I was looking in the newspaper on Sunday while visiting with my son and I found a 2 1/2 bedroom house in Rockport which is only about 15 minutes west of Mallorytown. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth with the owner, I'm going to see it today at 14:00. I'll have to drive my son to school everyday for the rest of this school year as Rockport is in a different school region but I'll transfer his schooling to a local school for next school year assuming I take the house and stay in it.
I went to check the house out last night just to see the outside and other than the garage door that either requires a paint job or replacement, the house looks pretty nice.
--
Last Friday, I wasn't feeling too bad so I went out and bought an electric acoustic guitar so I'm learning that slowly. I love it! My Dad gave me a guitar for dummies book so I'm just going through that and plan on taking lessons once I have mastered some chords and reading guitar tab. I took the guitar home on Friday morning and by afternoon, I was feeling really anxious because I paid all of my bills and it only left me with a small amount of cash left so I ended up going out and buying some beer which turned out to be a big mistake as is always the case. The beer I bought was strong (6.5%) and initially I only bought two king cans (750ml). After finishing these, I was feeling guilty and even more depressed but my anxiety was gone (I totally forgot about my cash flow). I was too buzzed to drive and I knew I couldn't drive back to the hospital in the state I was in so I called my husband just to talk and then I called the ACT crisis team after hours number to see if they could drive me back to the hospital. This was the very first time I ever called a crisis team before. The person that responded to my call gave me a lot of attitude and basically asked what I expected them to do about it. This made me feel guilty for calling the ACT team and made me feel as though I was a pest - not what I need at the time to say the last. More on that later though. She ended up calling the police to come and get me and drive me back to the hospital as for whatever reason, the ACT team couldn't pick me up. I think she was just too lazy to come herself even though that's what they are there for.
While waiting for the police, I went and bought two more king cans as I was feeling really bad and figured if I'm going back to the hospital buzzed, I might as well drink more and get even more of a buzz. The police came just as I was finishing the last can and the knock on the door sounded like they were going to knock the door down. Two officers were at the door and they were really nice. I came back to the hospital at around 19:30 and went straight to bed. Fortunately for me, the staff didn't take any of my privileges away. I felt much more safe once back at the hospital.
--
I met with my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in about a week (he was sick for most of last week). Last Thursday, I spoke with him on the phone and told hm what I wanted to do in terms of medications - remove clonazepam so I was totally off it and increase my Cymbalta (my second anti-depressant). I trusted that he would remember what to do once off the phone with me and once again, I was let down. He forgot to increase my Cymbalta or has he put it, never got around to increasing it. He also didn't remove all of my bedtime clonazepam but instead just reduced me from 1.5mg at bedtime to 0.5mg. This may have been to reduce any withdrawal effects which I must say, if that's the case, it was very proactive of him as normally he would just remove it altogether.
Anyways, so I met with him yesterday and he basically said that he wanted to discharge me because since I was having overnight passes and "out at the bars getting drunk", being in the hospital was of no value to me from his perspective. I disagreed and said that I felt it was a safe place for me to be right now as my mood and anxiety was fluctuating significantly and while I may go out when I'm feeling fine, I could always return to the hospital if my anxiety and/or mood took a turn for the worse. He was a real asshole about it. I asked about the Cymbalta and he increased it as per my request and said he would get back to me mid-week to see if I had improved so essentially he is giving the increase in Cymbalta one day to work before determining if I require ECT or not. I would really like to avoid havinc ECT as it would requre that I be in the hospital for one more month and also because of the negative impact it has on my memory.
Hopefully this Wednesday or Thursday when I meet with him again, I will be feeling a little better so I can stand my ground and tell him that he's not giving the increase enough time to work. After meeting with him yesterday, I just shut right down and felt even more depressed and anxious.
While I was talking to him, I mentioned the negative experience with calling the crisis team on Friday and although he said he would talk to the person that took my call, I shouldn't always expect to get somebody pleasant on the phone after hours. Once again, I disagreed and said that when somebody is in a crisis, the last thing they need is to feel badly for calling the crisis team and being treated as though they are being an annoyance to the team. I found out who she reports to and I intend to file a formal complaint once I'm feeling better.
--
The staff won't let me play my guitar on the ward - instead I was told I could play it downstairs on the main level only which was disappointing. I don't understand what the issue is. How could it be disturbing to other patients, especially more disturbing than some of the psychotic patients on the ward that yell and talk to themselves. One of my roommates wakes the entire floor up between 5 and and 6AM every morning yelling and singing and the staff don't mention anything to him. He also sits in the room and yells and sings throughout the day and at night when others are trying to sleep, again, the staff don't say a thing about it. What can I say? Being in the hospital has it's fair share of frustrations.
--
I will try and post tonight from my Dad's and report how the house viewing went. If not, I will post in a couple of days after I meet with my pdoc (psychiatrist) again. Now, I'm off to a meeting with my excellent addictions counselor which I'm not terribly looking forward to as I have to tell him about my relapse last Friday. Oh well, more on that later.
...J
First off, I have pretty much given up on the rental house in Mallorytown. I still haven't heard back from either owner which is too bad because it's in a perfect location and I know it's nice inside and out. However, I was looking in the newspaper on Sunday while visiting with my son and I found a 2 1/2 bedroom house in Rockport which is only about 15 minutes west of Mallorytown. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth with the owner, I'm going to see it today at 14:00. I'll have to drive my son to school everyday for the rest of this school year as Rockport is in a different school region but I'll transfer his schooling to a local school for next school year assuming I take the house and stay in it.
I went to check the house out last night just to see the outside and other than the garage door that either requires a paint job or replacement, the house looks pretty nice.
--
Last Friday, I wasn't feeling too bad so I went out and bought an electric acoustic guitar so I'm learning that slowly. I love it! My Dad gave me a guitar for dummies book so I'm just going through that and plan on taking lessons once I have mastered some chords and reading guitar tab. I took the guitar home on Friday morning and by afternoon, I was feeling really anxious because I paid all of my bills and it only left me with a small amount of cash left so I ended up going out and buying some beer which turned out to be a big mistake as is always the case. The beer I bought was strong (6.5%) and initially I only bought two king cans (750ml). After finishing these, I was feeling guilty and even more depressed but my anxiety was gone (I totally forgot about my cash flow). I was too buzzed to drive and I knew I couldn't drive back to the hospital in the state I was in so I called my husband just to talk and then I called the ACT crisis team after hours number to see if they could drive me back to the hospital. This was the very first time I ever called a crisis team before. The person that responded to my call gave me a lot of attitude and basically asked what I expected them to do about it. This made me feel guilty for calling the ACT team and made me feel as though I was a pest - not what I need at the time to say the last. More on that later though. She ended up calling the police to come and get me and drive me back to the hospital as for whatever reason, the ACT team couldn't pick me up. I think she was just too lazy to come herself even though that's what they are there for.
While waiting for the police, I went and bought two more king cans as I was feeling really bad and figured if I'm going back to the hospital buzzed, I might as well drink more and get even more of a buzz. The police came just as I was finishing the last can and the knock on the door sounded like they were going to knock the door down. Two officers were at the door and they were really nice. I came back to the hospital at around 19:30 and went straight to bed. Fortunately for me, the staff didn't take any of my privileges away. I felt much more safe once back at the hospital.
--
I met with my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in about a week (he was sick for most of last week). Last Thursday, I spoke with him on the phone and told hm what I wanted to do in terms of medications - remove clonazepam so I was totally off it and increase my Cymbalta (my second anti-depressant). I trusted that he would remember what to do once off the phone with me and once again, I was let down. He forgot to increase my Cymbalta or has he put it, never got around to increasing it. He also didn't remove all of my bedtime clonazepam but instead just reduced me from 1.5mg at bedtime to 0.5mg. This may have been to reduce any withdrawal effects which I must say, if that's the case, it was very proactive of him as normally he would just remove it altogether.
Anyways, so I met with him yesterday and he basically said that he wanted to discharge me because since I was having overnight passes and "out at the bars getting drunk", being in the hospital was of no value to me from his perspective. I disagreed and said that I felt it was a safe place for me to be right now as my mood and anxiety was fluctuating significantly and while I may go out when I'm feeling fine, I could always return to the hospital if my anxiety and/or mood took a turn for the worse. He was a real asshole about it. I asked about the Cymbalta and he increased it as per my request and said he would get back to me mid-week to see if I had improved so essentially he is giving the increase in Cymbalta one day to work before determining if I require ECT or not. I would really like to avoid havinc ECT as it would requre that I be in the hospital for one more month and also because of the negative impact it has on my memory.
Hopefully this Wednesday or Thursday when I meet with him again, I will be feeling a little better so I can stand my ground and tell him that he's not giving the increase enough time to work. After meeting with him yesterday, I just shut right down and felt even more depressed and anxious.
While I was talking to him, I mentioned the negative experience with calling the crisis team on Friday and although he said he would talk to the person that took my call, I shouldn't always expect to get somebody pleasant on the phone after hours. Once again, I disagreed and said that when somebody is in a crisis, the last thing they need is to feel badly for calling the crisis team and being treated as though they are being an annoyance to the team. I found out who she reports to and I intend to file a formal complaint once I'm feeling better.
--
The staff won't let me play my guitar on the ward - instead I was told I could play it downstairs on the main level only which was disappointing. I don't understand what the issue is. How could it be disturbing to other patients, especially more disturbing than some of the psychotic patients on the ward that yell and talk to themselves. One of my roommates wakes the entire floor up between 5 and and 6AM every morning yelling and singing and the staff don't mention anything to him. He also sits in the room and yells and sings throughout the day and at night when others are trying to sleep, again, the staff don't say a thing about it. What can I say? Being in the hospital has it's fair share of frustrations.
--
I will try and post tonight from my Dad's and report how the house viewing went. If not, I will post in a couple of days after I meet with my pdoc (psychiatrist) again. Now, I'm off to a meeting with my excellent addictions counselor which I'm not terribly looking forward to as I have to tell him about my relapse last Friday. Oh well, more on that later.
...J
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