Ever since childhood, I've had a dream of becoming a doctor (among other things but mostly a doctor). I've spent the past couple of days doing research on what it takes to become a doctor in Ontario and I think I can do it. I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in this blog, but I only have a grade 9 education. (I was a rebel in my early teenage years as my parents can attest to! That I know I've written about in this blog.) So I figure I can attend Athabasca University (based out of Athabasca, Alberta) as they have no admission requirements in terms of high school academics and take a BA in Psychology (which is another huge interest of mine) with some biology and chemistry courses to satisfy university medical school admission requirements (I've researched remember). This way, I should be able to maintain a high GPA given that I'd be highly interested in the content.
The thought of all of this really excites me! It would give me a purpose in life beyond being a father, husband, brother, uncle, son whatever. I would have an achievable goal, albeit a long term goal as it would take 3 years for the BA then another 4 years of med school then a 2 year residency (assuming I stay with a family physician role). At least I get paid for the residency though. I'm kind of interested in emergency medicine though as well. I could picture myself working in an emerg department however I definitely couldn't handle the pressure of being a surgeon - at least not something as critical as a cardiac surgeon.
Anyways, just thought I'd share my aspirations with you as it's 9:30AM and nobody is awake yet so it's just me and my computer and iPhone. Oh, how I love my iPhone!
...J
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
My husband and I - 03/06/09
Ha, notice I didn't say "My ex-husband and I". We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks about reconciling and what's best for myself, him and of course my son and we have come to the realization that it's best that we try it again. He has to get treatment for his issues with alcohol which I can help him with in terms of hooking him up with resources in the community. I know a thing or two about addictions having gone through various addictions at different stages of my life. We haven't nailed down a date when he would move in yet. We're still working on getting him EI benefits to carry him over while he's in inpatient treatment.
Well that brings you up to speed to this point. I'm going to bed now.
...J
Well that brings you up to speed to this point. I'm going to bed now.
...J
Friday, February 20, 2009
Me and My Beast - 02/19/09
Visit From the Ex
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in here but my ex-husband and I have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. He's off work again and not doing well mentally or with the alcoholic side of things. Since he broke off the marriage last August I've been trying to figure out why. The only explanation he has given me is that he's not in love with me anymore. He loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. This because of the fact that I broke off our marriage prior to that because he was driving me crazy. I needed space for awhile. That's when his drinking binges began - about one year ago and continues.
Anyways, on with the visit. He came down with our two labs (dogs) with the understanding that I would be keeping the dogs for good and he was coming down for one night and I would drive him back the following day. I got depressed being around him and not being able to cuddle, kiss and just generally be "around" him. I decided to take a bunch of pills - 7 days worth. I would have taken all 11 days that I had but he was already questioning what I was doing in the kitchen for so long. So 7 it was. It was a lot of pills! The long and short of it is that I didn't die (obviously) unfortunately, just suffered through the overdose symptoms. It was my Mother's and my idea not to go to emerg as it could impact the welfare of my son. Still, we drove around until 3AM making this decision. I was in lala land, shaking inside and out. I had these strong feelings of depression still for my ex since our breakup but it was different seeing and being around him. I guess I figured once he came down that the place was fairly decent and that he could envision himself living here with my son, our dogs and I but I guess not so. He's too stuck to his job in Kingston to leave his apartment. I swear he's going to work there right up until retirement the way he talks. I don't know what is so special about it - I mean it's a fucking hair salon just like the one around the corner in the mall, just like the one down the street, just like them all! There are plenty of hair salons in Brockville and he has an edge up on two of them because he knows people that work there. Well actually three because I know a guy at another salon but I didn't mention that.
This is all I can get out so far for this posting. I'll come back to it later....
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in here but my ex-husband and I have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. He's off work again and not doing well mentally or with the alcoholic side of things. Since he broke off the marriage last August I've been trying to figure out why. The only explanation he has given me is that he's not in love with me anymore. He loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. This because of the fact that I broke off our marriage prior to that because he was driving me crazy. I needed space for awhile. That's when his drinking binges began - about one year ago and continues.
Anyways, on with the visit. He came down with our two labs (dogs) with the understanding that I would be keeping the dogs for good and he was coming down for one night and I would drive him back the following day. I got depressed being around him and not being able to cuddle, kiss and just generally be "around" him. I decided to take a bunch of pills - 7 days worth. I would have taken all 11 days that I had but he was already questioning what I was doing in the kitchen for so long. So 7 it was. It was a lot of pills! The long and short of it is that I didn't die (obviously) unfortunately, just suffered through the overdose symptoms. It was my Mother's and my idea not to go to emerg as it could impact the welfare of my son. Still, we drove around until 3AM making this decision. I was in lala land, shaking inside and out. I had these strong feelings of depression still for my ex since our breakup but it was different seeing and being around him. I guess I figured once he came down that the place was fairly decent and that he could envision himself living here with my son, our dogs and I but I guess not so. He's too stuck to his job in Kingston to leave his apartment. I swear he's going to work there right up until retirement the way he talks. I don't know what is so special about it - I mean it's a fucking hair salon just like the one around the corner in the mall, just like the one down the street, just like them all! There are plenty of hair salons in Brockville and he has an edge up on two of them because he knows people that work there. Well actually three because I know a guy at another salon but I didn't mention that.
This is all I can get out so far for this posting. I'll come back to it later....
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Me and My Beast - 01/28/09
Well I tried. I only had seven days worth of meds to down but I tried. I bought a bottle (750ml) of wine from the local store and drank it after taking all my clonazepam for those seven days. I finished the wine and I don't remember what happened after that (likely due to the imovane I took along with the clonazepam). I know I called my husband and that's how my Mom got here. My son was still awake playing on his computer while I was doing this.
Needless to say, I survived. I didn't receive any medical attention - just Mom attention. As far as my son was concerned, I just drank a bottle of wine. He wasn't aware of the medication taken thank god. I figured I needed to plant a seed so my son would be ok and not find me dead in the morning and that is why I called my husband.
I've been feeling more and more lethargic and depressed lately. I haven't had the desire to drink coffee that much (I'm a big coffee drinker) but I force myself because that's the only way I can stay awake during the day. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the energy or motivation to do anything. My washer is broken so I have to go to my parents to do wash - what a pain in the ass that is. I have four baskets of clean clothes that still need to be put away. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. Agghhh, I can't handle it all right now. I was fine and could handle it all before and nothing drastic has changed in my life since then.
I spoke with my pdoc last Wednesday and he's reduced my clonazepam and put me on tomazepam to aid in sleeping as I've had a tremedous amount of difficulty staying asleep for the past few months. My application for government coverage for Buspar was denied because "we haven't tried enough *pam drugs". That's bullshit, I've been on at least five of them however my current pdoc was not aware of a couple of them. His plan is to put me on clonazepam three times daily (morning, dinner, bedtime) although he didn't put this into effect when he called the pharmacy. Not sure why not.
I'm going to be starting a round of ECT again (likely 12 again) with follow-up maintenance ECT once per month. I'm hoping that will kick me into gear and get me out and keep me out of this rut that I'm in. I just have to get some blood work and a physical done by my doc then I'm good to go. I'm read' to go as my old friend would say it.
I don't think there's anything else to report for now.
...J
Needless to say, I survived. I didn't receive any medical attention - just Mom attention. As far as my son was concerned, I just drank a bottle of wine. He wasn't aware of the medication taken thank god. I figured I needed to plant a seed so my son would be ok and not find me dead in the morning and that is why I called my husband.
I've been feeling more and more lethargic and depressed lately. I haven't had the desire to drink coffee that much (I'm a big coffee drinker) but I force myself because that's the only way I can stay awake during the day. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the energy or motivation to do anything. My washer is broken so I have to go to my parents to do wash - what a pain in the ass that is. I have four baskets of clean clothes that still need to be put away. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. Agghhh, I can't handle it all right now. I was fine and could handle it all before and nothing drastic has changed in my life since then.
I spoke with my pdoc last Wednesday and he's reduced my clonazepam and put me on tomazepam to aid in sleeping as I've had a tremedous amount of difficulty staying asleep for the past few months. My application for government coverage for Buspar was denied because "we haven't tried enough *pam drugs". That's bullshit, I've been on at least five of them however my current pdoc was not aware of a couple of them. His plan is to put me on clonazepam three times daily (morning, dinner, bedtime) although he didn't put this into effect when he called the pharmacy. Not sure why not.
I'm going to be starting a round of ECT again (likely 12 again) with follow-up maintenance ECT once per month. I'm hoping that will kick me into gear and get me out and keep me out of this rut that I'm in. I just have to get some blood work and a physical done by my doc then I'm good to go. I'm read' to go as my old friend would say it.
I don't think there's anything else to report for now.
...J
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Me and My Beast - 12/21/08
My son is at his Mom's for the weekend for a Christmas family reunion. It's now Sunday and due to the amount of snow we have and will continue to get, he will be staying over again tonight. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how dependent I am on him for survival. I've been overwhelmed with nothing but suicidal thoughts since he left. I keep thinking I should strap on my boots and make my way to the local store where they sell wine, liquor and beer and grabbing a magnum of wine and perhaps a 40 pounder of whiskey and finally, gravol. You see my plan is this - drink a moderate amount of alcohol not so I'm drunk, just really buzzed. Take some gravol (to prevent puking) then take my two weeks of medication I have. Finally, drink more alcohol until I pass out. Between the alcohol and clonazepam, it should kill me and if that doesn't, certainly lithium poisoning would (I would think).
Of course these are just thoughts. I wouldn't do it because it's not the right time, it's too close to Christmas and if I survived I could never live with myself missing my son's Christmas while I sit in the hospital. I just want to be able to live for me, my son and the rest of my family but it's just not like that right now. Days are long, nights longer. Life is overwhelming but at the same time boring. I suppose perhaps I'm overwhelmed with boredom. I need a full time job or something but I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and what that would do to me if such a thing happened.
I dunno, I gotta go for now....
...J
Of course these are just thoughts. I wouldn't do it because it's not the right time, it's too close to Christmas and if I survived I could never live with myself missing my son's Christmas while I sit in the hospital. I just want to be able to live for me, my son and the rest of my family but it's just not like that right now. Days are long, nights longer. Life is overwhelming but at the same time boring. I suppose perhaps I'm overwhelmed with boredom. I need a full time job or something but I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and what that would do to me if such a thing happened.
I dunno, I gotta go for now....
...J
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Weight Update and more - 11/15/08
Shortly after my last weight update post, I weighed myself again and thankfully, it has decreased to 190! However, I've been eating more (probably more than my daily calorie intake recommendation) so I haven't gained any more weight but I haven't lost anymore either. Oh well, I know that once I go back to my calorie reduced diet, I'll be losing again. Most of my pants are far too big now so I wear a belt but it's obvious that they're too big given the size below the waist and the legs. I'm not buying any new clothes though until I reach my target weight.
My head is much clearer now that the cogentin has gone through my system. It is really bizarre that I could take it for 2 or 3 years without any untoward effects. There are only two differences between now and before; I'm taking Wellbutrin anti-depressant in addition to Zoloft and I'm on Haldol as opposed to Risperdal.
My son stayed at his Mom's last night. I was depressed as soon as I dropped him off. I think it's because I just like spending time with him and am so used to having him around all the time - he's like my little buddy. I dreaded going home to silence and being alone so I hung around Brockville for a bit and got dinner for myself. I got even more depressed when I walked in the house and it was just me and Scotty (my baby pug). I wrote an e-mail to my ex-husband but didn't send it. It was rather nasty but it felt better at least releasing my thoughts and feelings in written form (thus partly the reason I have this blog). I was thinking about suicide and the fact that I had 8 days worth of pills and combined with some alcohol, I may just succeed. I was considering going to the store to get some booze. Needless to say, I didn't follow through with that plan. Instead, I took Scotty out one last time for the night then went to bed at 7PM. I felt much better when I woke up this morning.
On another totally unrelated note, I started addictions counselling a few weeks ago. I don't really think I'm an alcoholic totally rather I feel I'm a situational alcoholic meaning that I tend to drink a lot when I'm in a bad place in my life. It's going fairly well although I missed my last appointment because I was debilitated that day - lying in bed dozing in and out all day. I called to reschedule a few days ago but haven't heard anything back yet.
That's all I have to say for now.
TTFN,
...J
My head is much clearer now that the cogentin has gone through my system. It is really bizarre that I could take it for 2 or 3 years without any untoward effects. There are only two differences between now and before; I'm taking Wellbutrin anti-depressant in addition to Zoloft and I'm on Haldol as opposed to Risperdal.
My son stayed at his Mom's last night. I was depressed as soon as I dropped him off. I think it's because I just like spending time with him and am so used to having him around all the time - he's like my little buddy. I dreaded going home to silence and being alone so I hung around Brockville for a bit and got dinner for myself. I got even more depressed when I walked in the house and it was just me and Scotty (my baby pug). I wrote an e-mail to my ex-husband but didn't send it. It was rather nasty but it felt better at least releasing my thoughts and feelings in written form (thus partly the reason I have this blog). I was thinking about suicide and the fact that I had 8 days worth of pills and combined with some alcohol, I may just succeed. I was considering going to the store to get some booze. Needless to say, I didn't follow through with that plan. Instead, I took Scotty out one last time for the night then went to bed at 7PM. I felt much better when I woke up this morning.
On another totally unrelated note, I started addictions counselling a few weeks ago. I don't really think I'm an alcoholic totally rather I feel I'm a situational alcoholic meaning that I tend to drink a lot when I'm in a bad place in my life. It's going fairly well although I missed my last appointment because I was debilitated that day - lying in bed dozing in and out all day. I called to reschedule a few days ago but haven't heard anything back yet.
That's all I have to say for now.
TTFN,
...J
Monday, October 27, 2008
Me and My Beast - 10/27/08
Well I've been doing pretty well considering I'm off the booze and pot. Today I'm rather depressed but I don't know why. Nothing has changed - at least not that I'm aware of. Perhaps it is due to less (significantly) coffee I've been drinking. Yesterday I only had one cup and same with today. It's a good thing though without coffee, my anxiety has been down some. Speaking of coffee, I went to make a pot this morning so I took out the basket where the grinds go and emptied it. I filled it back up and then I lost it. I've searched everywhere for it and I just can't find the fucking thing. Fortunately, my Mom has like 10 of these baskets (I know - she's a freak) so she brought over two for me for tomorrow morning.
I quit taking the Buspar because it's expensive and I didn't think that it was doing anything for me. However, my Mom insisted that I go back on it as she had noticed a positive difference when I was taking it so I started again last night.
I used to take cogentin for a couple of years when I lived in Toronto. It's purpose is to reduce and possibly eliminate the side effects of an anti-psychotic medication. It worked well for me, reducing the shakes in my hands and stuff. So my hands to be shaky again (this time on Haldol anti-psychotic) so I started taking them again as of yesterday. OMG, it was awful. First of all, I don't really have any recollection of the events from yesterday so it affected my memory. I do recall driving my son's brother and sister home. It was raining out and I couldn't really see the lines on the road and with nobody to follow, I was veering into the next lane then back over to my lane. One of the times I veered, I was completely in the lane where oncoming drive was. Next thing I know, I was head on with a big fucking truck. Luckily he swirved right away cause I didn't until I passed the truck. For some twisted reason, I found this amusing. I didn't have a clue where we were supposed to be going, sometimes I didn't even know what road I was on, the kids kept saying "where are you going". I didn't have an answer. I ended up driving to Brockville three times (20 mins each way) using different routes. I knew I had to take my son's brother and sister home which was in Brockville but I didn't want them to go hungry (this was about 7PM) so in one of my trips to go to Brockville we stopped at Burger King.
It was all just fucked up. I felt like I was stoned or something.
That's all for now but I'm going to come back to this entry and finish it. I just don't have the patience to sit at my 'puter.
I quit taking the Buspar because it's expensive and I didn't think that it was doing anything for me. However, my Mom insisted that I go back on it as she had noticed a positive difference when I was taking it so I started again last night.
I used to take cogentin for a couple of years when I lived in Toronto. It's purpose is to reduce and possibly eliminate the side effects of an anti-psychotic medication. It worked well for me, reducing the shakes in my hands and stuff. So my hands to be shaky again (this time on Haldol anti-psychotic) so I started taking them again as of yesterday. OMG, it was awful. First of all, I don't really have any recollection of the events from yesterday so it affected my memory. I do recall driving my son's brother and sister home. It was raining out and I couldn't really see the lines on the road and with nobody to follow, I was veering into the next lane then back over to my lane. One of the times I veered, I was completely in the lane where oncoming drive was. Next thing I know, I was head on with a big fucking truck. Luckily he swirved right away cause I didn't until I passed the truck. For some twisted reason, I found this amusing. I didn't have a clue where we were supposed to be going, sometimes I didn't even know what road I was on, the kids kept saying "where are you going". I didn't have an answer. I ended up driving to Brockville three times (20 mins each way) using different routes. I knew I had to take my son's brother and sister home which was in Brockville but I didn't want them to go hungry (this was about 7PM) so in one of my trips to go to Brockville we stopped at Burger King.
It was all just fucked up. I felt like I was stoned or something.
That's all for now but I'm going to come back to this entry and finish it. I just don't have the patience to sit at my 'puter.
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