I'm near ready to give up. I can't deal with my illness anymore. It hurts too much. I feel worthless, living on ODSP with only a little bit of part time work. I can't live like this much longer. I have to have a purpose and goals but how can I set goals when I don't know what I'm going to be like the next day, week, month, whatever? I'm tired, tired of this relentless fighting, tired of this fucking beast in my head. It's dragging me down to the point where I can't get up.
I feel like I need to find a way, for my son's sake. But how, nobody understands. Sometimes I wonder, wouldn't he (my son) or anybody in my life, just be better off without me here. Without me dragging them down into my spiral of depression. I don't know what to do.
I look into my son's eyes and I see a glimmer of hope. He's what's kept me going for so long but this doesn't help my purpose/lack of goals problem. I can't even make decisions anymore. I've never been good at making major decisions, at least very quickly but I was so confident in what I was doing before. I just want that back. But my illness and confidence/self-esteem don't seem to go together.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
3 comments:
Just because I know that from time to time people forget, I just wanted to tell you.....I LOVE YOU! You are my big brother! If you ever think that someone's life may be better off without you...MINE WOULDN'T!!!!
I still remember years ago, you told me that if ever needed you would go after Nate if he ever hurt me! I will always remember joking with you because you said, "he may be a big guy, but I have a car!"
Just and FYI ;)
Love,
Pam xoxox
Thanks Pam. I love you too lil sis. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I was in a bad place at the time that I wrote that post and clearly my thoughts were distorted. I intend to hold nothing back (except names) on my blog as I want it to be as candid as possible. I have been feeling a lot better the past week or so.
Love Jay xoxxoxo (I gave you an extra hug)
im a young person living on odsp and finding that i not only feel like a worthless person but now it has turned into depression. i depressed because i feel like a failure that i will never be able to own a home or a car and what about children? how can i ever prove a life for them when i cant even do it for myself. odsp saved me in one way but it has also trapped me in another.
Post a Comment