Me and My Beast - 10/27/08

Well I've been doing pretty well considering I'm off the booze and pot. Today I'm rather depressed but I don't know why. Nothing has changed - at least not that I'm aware of. Perhaps it is due to less (significantly) coffee I've been drinking. Yesterday I only had one cup and same with today. It's a good thing though without coffee, my anxiety has been down some. Speaking of coffee, I went to make a pot this morning so I took out the basket where the grinds go and emptied it. I filled it back up and then I lost it. I've searched everywhere for it and I just can't find the fucking thing. Fortunately, my Mom has like 10 of these baskets (I know - she's a freak) so she brought over two for me for tomorrow morning.

I quit taking the Buspar because it's expensive and I didn't think that it was doing anything for me. However, my Mom insisted that I go back on it as she had noticed a positive difference when I was taking it so I started again last night.

I used to take cogentin for a couple of years when I lived in Toronto. It's purpose is to reduce and possibly eliminate the side effects of an anti-psychotic medication. It worked well for me, reducing the shakes in my hands and stuff. So my hands to be shaky again (this time on Haldol anti-psychotic) so I started taking them again as of yesterday. OMG, it was awful. First of all, I don't really have any recollection of the events from yesterday so it affected my memory. I do recall driving my son's brother and sister home. It was raining out and I couldn't really see the lines on the road and with nobody to follow, I was veering into the next lane then back over to my lane. One of the times I veered, I was completely in the lane where oncoming drive was. Next thing I know, I was head on with a big fucking truck. Luckily he swirved right away cause I didn't until I passed the truck. For some twisted reason, I found this amusing. I didn't have a clue where we were supposed to be going, sometimes I didn't even know what road I was on, the kids kept saying "where are you going". I didn't have an answer. I ended up driving to Brockville three times (20 mins each way) using different routes. I knew I had to take my son's brother and sister home which was in Brockville but I didn't want them to go hungry (this was about 7PM) so in one of my trips to go to Brockville we stopped at Burger King.

It was all just fucked up. I felt like I was stoned or something.

That's all for now but I'm going to come back to this entry and finish it. I just don't have the patience to sit at my 'puter.