Real Anxiety Cure - 10/07/08

So I'm on this medication now that is supposed to deal with anxiety - Buspar is the name. It's not covered under any drug plan so I have to fork out something like $80 / month for it. So far it's helped slightly. You know what really works for anxiety for me anyways - and it's something I've resorted to since a teen. Alcohol, pot, and self-cutting - all of which work much better than any fucking medication I've ever been on.

Right now I'm in a high anxiety state - my husband fucking dumped me, moving out of my parents and into my own place again and the responsibilities that come with it, my son (he's an angel sometimes, devil other times). To add to it, I went and got a puppy (Pug) which is soothing sometimes and other times a big fucking bag of stress. All of this happened in a span of four weeks or so.

So what have I been doing to deal with it - drink. I don't like drinking every night - especially because of the message it sends my son. But if I didn't drink, I'd be in the hospital for sure. Likely after stabbing myself in the stomach. That's the new thing - cutting isn't good enough - I want to stab myself. That's the last thing I want is to be back in the hospital. I think the only reason I get better in the hospital and because all of my responsibilities are taken away which is somewhat comforting if only for a week or a month. Although my hospital visits in Brockville in the past have been months long I believe. That was in the beginning.

I think I'm going to go get some pot and just smoke it after my son goes to bed. It was pot all along while staying at my parents because I couldn't drink there. So I'd go smoke then go hide and enjoy the ride it took me on.

Hopefully I'm not painting the picture of a crazed lunatic cause I'm not. I don't know what I need to be honest to fix this anxiety problem.

Any ideas? Comment then.