Me and My Beast - 12/21/08

My son is at his Mom's for the weekend for a Christmas family reunion. It's now Sunday and due to the amount of snow we have and will continue to get, he will be staying over again tonight. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how dependent I am on him for survival. I've been overwhelmed with nothing but suicidal thoughts since he left. I keep thinking I should strap on my boots and make my way to the local store where they sell wine, liquor and beer and grabbing a magnum of wine and perhaps a 40 pounder of whiskey and finally, gravol. You see my plan is this - drink a moderate amount of alcohol not so I'm drunk, just really buzzed. Take some gravol (to prevent puking) then take my two weeks of medication I have. Finally, drink more alcohol until I pass out. Between the alcohol and clonazepam, it should kill me and if that doesn't, certainly lithium poisoning would (I would think).

Of course these are just thoughts. I wouldn't do it because it's not the right time, it's too close to Christmas and if I survived I could never live with myself missing my son's Christmas while I sit in the hospital. I just want to be able to live for me, my son and the rest of my family but it's just not like that right now. Days are long, nights longer. Life is overwhelming but at the same time boring. I suppose perhaps I'm overwhelmed with boredom. I need a full time job or something but I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and what that would do to me if such a thing happened.

I dunno, I gotta go for now....

...J