Me and My Beast - 01/28/09

Well I tried. I only had seven days worth of meds to down but I tried. I bought a bottle (750ml) of wine from the local store and drank it after taking all my clonazepam for those seven days. I finished the wine and I don't remember what happened after that (likely due to the imovane I took along with the clonazepam). I know I called my husband and that's how my Mom got here. My son was still awake playing on his computer while I was doing this.

Needless to say, I survived. I didn't receive any medical attention - just Mom attention. As far as my son was concerned, I just drank a bottle of wine. He wasn't aware of the medication taken thank god. I figured I needed to plant a seed so my son would be ok and not find me dead in the morning and that is why I called my husband.

I've been feeling more and more lethargic and depressed lately. I haven't had the desire to drink coffee that much (I'm a big coffee drinker) but I force myself because that's the only way I can stay awake during the day. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the energy or motivation to do anything. My washer is broken so I have to go to my parents to do wash - what a pain in the ass that is. I have four baskets of clean clothes that still need to be put away. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. Agghhh, I can't handle it all right now. I was fine and could handle it all before and nothing drastic has changed in my life since then.

I spoke with my pdoc last Wednesday and he's reduced my clonazepam and put me on tomazepam to aid in sleeping as I've had a tremedous amount of difficulty staying asleep for the past few months. My application for government coverage for Buspar was denied because "we haven't tried enough *pam drugs". That's bullshit, I've been on at least five of them however my current pdoc was not aware of a couple of them. His plan is to put me on clonazepam three times daily (morning, dinner, bedtime) although he didn't put this into effect when he called the pharmacy. Not sure why not.

I'm going to be starting a round of ECT again (likely 12 again) with follow-up maintenance ECT once per month. I'm hoping that will kick me into gear and get me out and keep me out of this rut that I'm in. I just have to get some blood work and a physical done by my doc then I'm good to go. I'm read' to go as my old friend would say it.

I don't think there's anything else to report for now.

...J