Me and My Beast - 02/19/09

Visit From the Ex
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in here but my ex-husband and I have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. He's off work again and not doing well mentally or with the alcoholic side of things. Since he broke off the marriage last August I've been trying to figure out why. The only explanation he has given me is that he's not in love with me anymore. He loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. This because of the fact that I broke off our marriage prior to that because he was driving me crazy. I needed space for awhile. That's when his drinking binges began - about one year ago and continues.

Anyways, on with the visit. He came down with our two labs (dogs) with the understanding that I would be keeping the dogs for good and he was coming down for one night and I would drive him back the following day. I got depressed being around him and not being able to cuddle, kiss and just generally be "around" him. I decided to take a bunch of pills - 7 days worth. I would have taken all 11 days that I had but he was already questioning what I was doing in the kitchen for so long. So 7 it was. It was a lot of pills! The long and short of it is that I didn't die (obviously) unfortunately, just suffered through the overdose symptoms. It was my Mother's and my idea not to go to emerg as it could impact the welfare of my son. Still, we drove around until 3AM making this decision. I was in lala land, shaking inside and out. I had these strong feelings of depression still for my ex since our breakup but it was different seeing and being around him. I guess I figured once he came down that the place was fairly decent and that he could envision himself living here with my son, our dogs and I but I guess not so. He's too stuck to his job in Kingston to leave his apartment. I swear he's going to work there right up until retirement the way he talks. I don't know what is so special about it - I mean it's a fucking hair salon just like the one around the corner in the mall, just like the one down the street, just like them all! There are plenty of hair salons in Brockville and he has an edge up on two of them because he knows people that work there. Well actually three because I know a guy at another salon but I didn't mention that.

This is all I can get out so far for this posting. I'll come back to it later....