Me and My Beast - 01/28/10

Thursday, January 28th 2010
I'm free! I finally met with my doctor this afternoon and was discharged from the hospital. My doctor never asked me about the voices I heard over the weekend despite me telling my addictions counselor. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to tell anybody about the people talking to me from the ceiling but my addictions counselor asked how my weekend out went on Tuesday when I met with him and it just came up in conversation. At the time I wasn't sure if they were hallucinations or not until he said he felt they were since nobody else was around at a the time. I guess it only seems logical.

When a schizophrenic is experiencing hallucinations (visual, audible, or otherwise), they are very real. I was thoroughly convinced at the time that I was supposed to join the voices by committing suicide. In hindsight, now that the voices are gone and I've had time to think about it, it only makes sense that I thought I was supposed to join them since I was already suicidal and the voices were very soothing.

I'll be picking up my son from my Dad's tomorrow morning then we're going to get groceries as there's hardly any food in the house. The lease for the new house in Rockport is now officially a done deal - I went and signed it today and gave them cheques for first, last and all months in between for the next year. I can't wait to move and get out of this cramped house I'm in now.

January 29th, 2010
Today has been an alright day so far I suppose. I had some anxiety around going to drop off the cheques and pick up my blister packs (meds) for the next two weeks. It was all I could do to get bathed and go. I kept procrastinating about doing anything - instead I just wanted to nap and smoke cigarettes. Right now, as I type this, I'm feeling really anxious even though I've take two PRNs (2mb Ativan/Lorazepam) which is my limit for the day. Limits mean nothing to me when I'm feeling really anxious or depressed. I also have a little bit of a desire to cut myself, more specifically, my arm. I don't know why I always beat up on my arms but that's where I have always cut in the past. It is an amazingly good way to relieve anxiety. I say good but really what I mean is effective, not good. I know it's not good to self-harm but it works for me.

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The voices are back. This time they're telling me to cut myself and I think it's a direct result of the anxiety/stress that I'm under.

I don't know if it was mentioned in this or previous posts but I requested to my doctor that he increase my ativan/lorazepam sublingual dose from 1mg to 2mgs as I didn't feel that 1mg as sufficient. I was feeling really anxious a little while earlier so I took all of them just by swallowing (not sublingually). I figured between that and two bottles of wine, my anxiety should be reduced significantly which it has. I feel like I don't have a fucking care in the world right now. Now the challenge is going to be getting over anxiety with no PRNs for the next weeks. I know that what I have taken isn't fatal unfortunately.

On another note, I have determined that after drinking beer that last Friday night about two weeks ago when the police took me back to the hospital, I HATE the taste of beer. It makes me puke. Also, earlier this week, I ordered an Irish Coffee from one of the more popular pizzerias in town not knowing what to expect and it turned out to be an alcoholic drink and a disgusting one at that. I took one little sip and left the rest there. I gues you learn something new everyday. I'm not sure what I was expecting; perhaps a coffee with a special cream but not something that included alcohol. The menu didn't make any reference to alcohol or liqueurs of any such sort. I was going to take it back my I figured that perhaps I should have known what an Irish Coffee is. Oh well. It's like my body is shutting down for all alcohol as everything I drink tastes gross. (well with the exception of the bubbly sweet wine i bought tonight. Shit, I think even my son would like it it's sooooo sweet.It does the trick however, albeit, slowly given it's low alcohol content. I have a strong desire to cut myself. I'll post within this post as an ammedment (seperated by \n--\n to identify if I cut myself.

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I'm posting this on February 2nd as I just noticed in draft and I have some updates. The voices I heard telling me to cut myself subsided but only after following through with their demands. I met with my pdoc today and he added a small dose of Risperdal (1mg in the morning) to see if that helps the voices from coming back. My Mom came to the appointment cause she wanted to make sure he addressed the voices and express her concern over the fact that I was able to pick up a bottle of Ativan instead of the ACT team bringing two doses out to me daily as was the original plan. My husband came down on Sunday so I stayed at my Mom's Friday (Jan. 29th) after going to the hospital and getting stitches. My son joined me at my Mom's on Saturday night as it was evident that my Dad didn't want me at his house (what an asshole) and we finally all came back home on Sunday afternoon. Things weren't going very well, I was very depressed and a little anxious, for the past couple of days but as of last night my mood improved significantly.

I'm going to finally publish this post. I'll post updates as they happen.

...J