Mind Games and Update - 02/10/2011

First an update - I've been playing phone tag with the ACT manager for the Kitchener ACT team and so far the only thing I know is that there is a long waiting list for the ACT team so it does not appear that I'm going to be getting any psychiatric support in Kitchener anytime soon unless I have a hospitalization in the KW (Kitchener-Waterloo) area unfortunately.  While my Mom and husband feel that I am still delusional (I beg to differ), it does not warrant going to the ER and being admitted.  I have also been in touch with the ACT team in Brockville to see if I could get back on with them so I could at least see my former psychiatrist with no such luck.  All they could offer was to call the crisis line in KW - something that I feel is pointless because generally crisis lines are there to "chat" only and cannot do much else as I confirmed yesterday when I called. 

My Mom found an association called the Ontario Act Association (OAA) that provides guidelines and formal regulations in which all Ontario ACT teams shall follow.  In reviewing their policies on their website, I found out and confirmed my suspicions that I should NOT have been discharged from the ACT team in Brockville just because I moved out of the area rather they are supposed to follow me until such time that I receive equivalent services in my new geographic region.  I brought this to the attention of the team leader of the ACT team in Brockville and she seemed dumbfounded that a) I even knew about OAA and b) that I had taken the initiative to review the discharge regulations and was willing to fight for my rights.  Although it did not make any difference with her and the pdoc (psychiatrist), my Mom is going to advocate on my behalf by escalating the issue to the person in Ottawa in which all members of the ACT team report to.  Hopefully something comes of that.

The mental health system in Ontario and everywhere really, is very sporadic in terms of services available in different regions.  I didn't have any waiting period when I first went on the Kingston ACT team when I lived there and same with Brockville but Kitchener has a wait list a mile long and that's even for people that are transferring from an existing ACT team never mind the poor folks in the community that are not currently linked to any ACT team but need the support of such a team. 

Now on to the first part of the title of this post, my mind has been playing tricks on me lately as I've come to find out.  One such example is a few days ago, my husband was watching something on Youtube with his headphones while I was watching Golden Girls on the tube and for some reason, I was convinced that because he was listening to his headphones, the actors on the show I was watching could not hear each other.  It was just a sudden thought and feeling that overwhelmed me and I had to have my husband take his headphones off and just watch TV with me.  This occurred a few times over the past few days so now my husband no longer listens to his headphones while I watch TV.  In hindsight, looking back now, I realize how ridiculous this was and how agitated I was with my husband at the time about the fact that he was challenging my thought process by saying things like "You are watching a TV show - something that was filmed upwards of 25 years ago - of course they can hear each other".  This did not make any sense at the time and I just dismissed what he said as though he was crazy.  Me, I was convinced that they could not hear each other and that he must turn off his headphones so they could continue the show and I could continue to watch it. Very bizarre me thinks now.

Speaking of TV, I'm finding that there are only a select few shows I can actually watch (Golden Girls being one of them) and focus on.  All other shows piss me off and are nothing but a distraction for me.  The same goes with the radio - I cannot enjoy music like I used to be able to.  I find myself turning the radio off while in the car and prefer that the TV stay off unless it is a show in which my mind approves of.  I don't know why this is - it's not like the shows are competing with voices as I don't generally hear voices any more and when I do it is typically when there is silence (such as when I'm lying awake at night waiting to fall asleep) and they are generally brief and consist of two or more men or women (unfamiliar voices usually) having a conversation in a different language - one in which I cannot interpret.  In the past, I used to hear voices commanding me to do things (sometimes they were quite vicious and mean) or they would be saying exactly what I was thinking as if somebody was sitting beside me reading my thoughts and then telling me what I was thinking.  These types of "conversations" are now gone as a result of the meds I'm on (thank goodness).  They were very disturbing at times but now I can deal with the voices and just ignore them to the best of my ability and eventually they just go away.

Well, must get off to work but I will continue to post updates WRT the ACT teams along with other random ramblings.  I'm planning on going to Brockville this weekend at which point, I will restore my previous blog posts to provide a historical perspective.

....J