For those that may have followed my blog in the past, I have removed all posts but intend on putting everything back next time I'm in Brockville and on my home computer (where I conveniently backed up all my posts to Wordpress prior to deleting them all).
I had another hospitalization in Brockville Mental Health Centre (Elmgrove) a few weeks ago. This was one relatively brief at only a week. My mom came to get me in Kitchener (where I'm presently working full time and living through the week), rescuing me from what I now know as a very intense psychotic episode consisting of a very bad paranoid delusion - one in which I've had before.
My psychotic episode started over the weekend while I was alone in my apartmeint in Kitchener having not been back home to Brockville for almost three weeks (due to weather conditions). I became very aware of my surroundings and felt as though I was being watched like the instinctive feeling you get when somebody is staring at you only nobody was there with me. I felt very lost that weekend and did not know what to do with myself. I could not leave the apartment - even if it was to just go down the hall and do my laundry for fear of running into people in which I felt were all spies although at the time I did not know why they were spying on me and what they were reporting back and to whom.
By the following Monday morning, I felt very intimated and fearful about the notion of leaving my apartment to go to work but I went anyways. I arrived at work early (as usual) at around 6:30 AM and by 9:00 AM I was so overwhelmed with fear and the idea that everybody around me was watching me that I left work and went home. On my entrance back into the apartment building, one of the superintendents let me in and said "Hey, I know you, I'll let you in". My paranoia heightened at her comment and immediately my eyes fixated on her husband who was setting up the computer in the new office they built in the front lobby. It was open for business and all I could think was that the computer he was hooking up and the comment made to me by the super was messages about something but I didn't know what at the time.
I quickly made my way back into my apartment, closed and locked the door and fell to the floor. I continued to have this overwhelming fear that I was being watched and I tied two-and-two together and came to the conclusion that I was being watched and now I knew by who. My landlords were watching me through invisible cameras (think nanny cams) that were all throughout my apartment on their newly setup computer that was in the front office. Panic struck that I was being watched by these people that I was intimidated by normally, I was suddenly very aware of every action that I took while in my apartment.
I quickly and instinctively did the only thing I could think of to escape the cameras and retreated into my bedroom closet, closing the door behind me. It was dark - far too dark for any cameras to be able to see me. I was safe and free from being monitored! I left the closet and in quick pace, grabbed my cigarettes, the ash tray and telephone then went back into the closet not knowing what I was going to do but knowing that I was safe in there. My mind was racing and I felt very confused. Why would they be watching me? What was of such interest about my life and daily living that would prompt them to install hidden cameras and monitor me remotely from their office? I didn't have any answers but was certain of one thing - I had to get the hell out of my apartment but I was at a loss as to where to go because of the spies outside. It seemed logical that the only place I was truly safe now was in my tiny, long and narrow closet. I don't recall exactly what I did in there in the beginning but at some point, I called my Mom and told her what was happening. I was totally disappointed and further confused when she didn't believe me and tried to talk me out of what I was obviously experiencing. At some point she let me go to call my husband at our house in Brockville but he wasn't answering the phone. My Mom and I had several conversations that morning from the closet and eventually I was able to get in touch with my husband and yet again was disappointed when he tried over and over to convince me that there were no cameras in my apartment and also that there was no front office based on his knowledge of his last visit. I blatantly told him he was wrong and hung up after which I called my Mom back and she said that she was going to drive the 4 1/2 hour drive to Kitchener to come and get me. What a relief!
I was further burdened at the same time by messages from God that I had been receiving over the past few days and while the messages began as God being nice to me and sending positive messages, they quickly turned to vicious messages indicating that I was a bad parent, I needed to die and I should take all of my pills and overdose.
Without going into too much detail, by 16:30 or thereabouts, I was reunited with my Mom and brother and out of my apartment. It felt good to be out of my apartment and out of the watch of my landlords however I was still receiving messages from God pressing on the notion that I must die - it was my time to surrender and submit to his messages. Fortunately, I did not succumb to these messages and was reassured by my Mom and husband over and over that it was not my time to die. There was clearly something amiss!
I stayed over at my Mom's house Monday night and was taken to the the general hospital in Brockville by my husband the following morning - a standard process in which to be evaluated and the first step in getting into the local acute care ward of the psychiatric hospital - the same hospital in which I had been several times in the past, sometimes for months at a time. I wasn't sure I needed to go to the hospital but the disbelief by everybody that I spoke to about my fears and what was going on told me that perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea and maybe I did need help.
After the standard Q & A process by the nurses, doctor and crisis team, they all concurred that in fact it would be in my best interest to go to the psych. When I arrived at the psych, a psychiatrist that was on call met with my husband and I along with a couple of nurses and I explained what was going on and before I knew it, I was admitted and going through the intake process with my assigned nurse. I was somewhat familiar with the psychiatrist that admitted me (Dr. Jackson) as he had given me ECT treatments in the past. He was a handsome man with what I've always thought was a soothing voice.
The following day, I met with my assigned psychiatrist (Dr. Mallone) whom I had dealt with several times in the past during my previous admissions. He was quite familiar with my illness and the meeting also included a social worker, a resident and a nurse. He asked if I felt that perhaps what I was thinking could be related to my illness. I said I didn't know. I've known for years, since being diagnosed, that I'm schizophrenic but I did not believe that what I was feeling and thinking was related as the thoughts and feelings were so close to me and real. Yet another disbeliever I thought. Nonetheless, I agreed to have him increase one of my oral medications, an anti-psychotic called Risperidone. I'm also on Haldol injections that I receive once every four weeks but my ACT team psychiatrist a few months prior to this event added oral Risperidone as I continued to hear voices calling me, commanding that I follow certain instructions and saying a running commentary of my thoughts. This was Wednesday.
By Friday, although I still had the same thoughts and feelings albeit they were more subtle, I was feeling well enough to go to my Mom's for the weekend and requested and was granted a weekend pass. I had not received a message from God since Tuesday morning which was a relief if nothing else. I enjoyed my weekend with my Mom and son (he's was staying at my Mom's) and returned to the hospital Sunday night. By this time, I was seriously questioning the notion that my landlords were watching me and decided that a discharge was in order and upon meeting my Dr. Mallone on Monday morning, I asked that I be discharged which he agreed with. It was also my understanding that in parallel to my discharge, he was going to be in touch with the ACT team in Brockville and find out what was going on with my referral to the Kitchener ACT team - something I had been frustrated over since I came to Kitchener back in November 2010 to start my new job. I left with a prescription for the additional oral meds and returned to my Mom's for the remainder of the week. Since I had my work computer with me, I worked for a couple of days that week from my Mom's and returned to Kitchener the following Saturday with my husband as it was generally felt that I was still somewhat unstable and should not be left alone to pace around my apartment without any outside support.
I have been back in Kitchener for a week as I write this and am doing fairly well. My husband is staying here for the upcoming week as well to ensure that I'll be alright by myself. The ACT team in Kitchener is meeting tomorrow (Monday) and I've been assured by the manager that my case will be brought up and they will decide what they are going to do for me. Just prior to me moving up here, there were long-term mental health bed closures in London that somehow affected the ACT team in Kitchener requiring them to take on several new cases. Although I was guaranteed a spot on the ACT team in Kitchener given that I came from another ACT team (from Brockville), it was unknown when I moved up here as to when that would take place given their new case load. IMO, it's been three months and I should be on the ACT team by now.
On the job front, it is going very well except that I have this overwhelming fear that I'm going to be fired. I was honest and upfront with my boss and told him that I was diagnosed several years ago with schizophrenia, bipolar and a few anxiety disorders in which he was very supportive and at the time said the important thing was for me to get better. I'm not sure though that I believe him and feel that he is building up ammunition to terminate my employment to avoid any future headaches should I go loopy again. Furthermore, I have come to find out that two colleagues in neighbouring cubicles are spying on me and listening to my phone conversations and recording when I make personal calls and what I say during such calls. They are then reporting this back to my boss which I think he's logging, again as ammunition. Due to this, I worked from home last week as much as possible and when I did go into the office, I tried to limit my personal calls and whisper during those calls so my neighbours couldn't hear me - irrelevant since they record all my telephone conversations and call log at work - something I'm very displeased about needless to say!
On Friday, I went into the office for 5AM so I could have time to work alone and have smoke breaks whenever I felt like one as opposed to only going out for a smoke when my colleague smoker goes out. He has a good reputation so I figure as long as I only go out for a smoke when he goes out then I'm safe on that front and my boss can't later say that I'm taking too many smoke breaks. During my time alone, I afford myself one smoke per hour in case the cameras are watching me and the guards monitoring the cameras report back to my boss. I'm covered as far as smoke breaks go.
I suppose this is just something I have to live with until I feel at some point in the future that my boss has confidence in me again that I'm not going to abandon ship and leave him and my infosec colleague out of the Toronto office high and dry while on sick leave.
I will post tomorrow or Tuesday once I speak with the ACT team in Kitchener.
...J
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