Me and My Beast

Me and My Beast - 02/05/10

2010-02-05T16:47:00.003-05:00

Things have been going pretty well the past few days. On Monday night (Feb. 1st) I think it was, it was a dark cloud (my sister's expression but it's entirely accurate) seemed to have lifted from me and I started to feel a lot less depressed and anxious. I was even able to do some work over the past two days. The only thing I can attribute the improvement to is the increase in Cymbalta.

My husband left yesterday afternoon to Kingston for yesterday and today so he could do a few things at home in Kingston and so far I've been ok with him gone. I was tempted to go and buy a bottle of wine earlier this afternoon because I was feeling a little anxious but I didn't follow through so that's a good thing. And that even though I don't have any Ativan PRNs.

As for voices, I haven't had any since last Friday. This could be due to the Risperdal that my pdoc put me on or more likely, because I haven't really had any stressors or other anxiety provoking events happen. I'm so thankful for this because the voices are impossible to tolerate.

Me and My Beast - 01/28/10

2010-01-28T18:00:00.006-05:00

Thursday, January 28th 2010
I'm free! I finally met with my doctor this afternoon and was discharged from the hospital. My doctor never asked me about the voices I heard over the weekend despite me telling my addictions counselor. I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to tell anybody about the people talking to me from the ceiling but my addictions counselor asked how my weekend out went on Tuesday when I met with him and it just came up in conversation. At the time I wasn't sure if they were hallucinations or not until he said he felt they were since nobody else was around at a the time. I guess it only seems logical.

When a schizophrenic is experiencing hallucinations (visual, audible, or otherwise), they are very real. I was thoroughly convinced at the time that I was supposed to join the voices by committing suicide. In hindsight, now that the voices are gone and I've had time to think about it, it only makes sense that I thought I was supposed to join them since I was already suicidal and the voices were very soothing.

I'll be picking up my son from my Dad's tomorrow morning then we're going to get groceries as there's hardly any food in the house. The lease for the new house in Rockport is now officially a done deal - I went and signed it today and gave them cheques for first, last and all months in between for the next year. I can't wait to move and get out of this cramped house I'm in now.

January 29th, 2010
Today has been an alright day so far I suppose. I had some anxiety around going to drop off the cheques and pick up my blister packs (meds) for the next two weeks. It was all I could do to get bathed and go. I kept procrastinating about doing anything - instead I just wanted to nap and smoke cigarettes. Right now, as I type this, I'm feeling really anxious even though I've take two PRNs (2mb Ativan/Lorazepam) which is my limit for the day. Limits mean nothing to me when I'm feeling really anxious or depressed. I also have a little bit of a desire to cut myself, more specifically, my arm. I don't know why I always beat up on my arms but that's where I have always cut in the past. It is an amazingly good way to relieve anxiety. I say good but really what I mean is effective, not good. I know it's not good to self-harm but it works for me.

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The voices are back. This time they're telling me to cut myself and I think it's a direct result of the anxiety/stress that I'm under.

I don't know if it was mentioned in this or previous posts but I requested to my doctor that he increase my ativan/lorazepam sublingual dose from 1mg to 2mgs as I didn't feel that 1mg as sufficient. I was feeling really anxious a little while earlier so I took all of them just by swallowing (not sublingually). I figured between that and two bottles of wine, my anxiety should be reduced significantly which it has. I feel like I don't have a fucking care in the world right now. Now the challenge is going to be getting over anxiety with no PRNs for the next weeks. I know that what I have taken isn't fatal unfortunately.

On another note, I have determined that after drinking beer that last Friday night about two weeks ago when the police took me back to the hospital, I HATE the taste of beer. It makes me puke. Also, earlier this week, I ordered an Irish Coffee from one of the more popular pizzerias in town not knowing what to expect and it turned out to be an alcoholic drink and a disgusting one at that. I took one little sip and left the rest there. I gues you learn something new everyday. I'm not sure what I was expecting; perhaps a coffee with a special cream but not something that included alcohol. The menu didn't make any reference to alcohol or liqueurs of any such sort. I was going to take it back my I figured that perhaps I should have known what an Irish Coffee is. Oh well. It's like my body is shutting down for all alcohol as everything I drink tastes gross. (well with the exception of the bubbly sweet wine i bought tonight. Shit, I think even my son would like it it's sooooo sweet.It does the trick however, albeit, slowly given it's low alcohol content. I have a strong desire to cut myself. I'll post within this post as an ammedment (seperated by \n--\n to identify if I cut myself.

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I'm posting this on February 2nd as I just noticed in draft and I have some updates. The voices I heard telling me to cut myself subsided but only after following through with their demands. I met with my pdoc today and he added a small dose of Risperdal (1mg in the morning) to see if that helps the voices from coming back. My Mom came to the appointment cause she wanted to make sure he addressed the voices and express her concern over the fact that I was able to pick up a bottle of Ativan instead of the ACT team bringing two doses out to me daily as was the original plan. My husband came down on Sunday so I stayed at my Mom's Friday (Jan. 29th) after going to the hospital and getting stitches. My son joined me at my Mom's on Saturday night as it was evident that my Dad didn't want me at his house (what an asshole) and we finally all came back home on Sunday afternoon. Things weren't going very well, I was very depressed and a little anxious, for the past couple of days but as of last night my mood improved significantly.

I'm going to finally publish this post. I'll post updates as they happen.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/23/10

2010-01-23T21:59:00.003-05:00

So far my weekend outing is going well. My son and I are at home this weekend because my Dad needed some time alone. It's just as well that he asked that I go home for the weekend cause I was anxious about going there for an entire weekend anyways. Last night, my son and I went out for dinner then to see the movie Avatar. I thought it was good but unfortunately, the theatre in Brockille wasn't showing the movie in 3D which kinda sucks. It looks like it would be an amazing movie to watch in 3D.

I've been experiencing a lot of suicidal thoughts today and am a little depressed and anxious. Fortunately, my anxiety level hasn't been high enough to warrant taking a PRN of Ativan since I used all three that the hospital gave me for the weekend last night. Last night was horrible in the way of anxiety - it felt as though somebody was sitting on my chest so breathing was difficult. I started by taking one PRN, then another 30 minutes later, then the third about an hour after the second. I probably shouldn't have taken all three but they weren't working - by the third though I felt relief on my chest and breathing became much easier.

I'll put up another post on Monday and write about how my first ECT session for this series went.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/24/10 [Updated]

2010-01-21T19:47:00.007-05:00

I was supposed to have my first ECT treatment this morning but I bailed at the last minute and left the ECT suite and walked back to the inpatient unit. All weekend, I stressed about the idea of having ECT again what with all the memory loss that comes along with it for me (8 months of memory loss last time with 12 treatments). Also, when I walked into the suite, flashbacks of when I got three treatments about 6 months ago consumed my thoughts - seeing the ECT machine (this hospital has an old-fashioned machine), the unpleasant prick of the IV going in, seeing them put the electrodes and band around my head and the groggy feeling when coming out of the anesthetic. When I returned to the inpatient unit, I told the nurses to call over to the ECT suite because I didn't even tell anybody that I was going; it was a very last minute decision. I'm sure my doctor is pissed off at me but I don't know for sure since he never bothered to come and talk to me today even though I specifically made sure I was on the ward until 13:30 when I was told he left for the day. I was surprised my doctor didn't come around to see me since he was so eager to discharge me if I wasn't willing to do ECT last week.

A few hours after returning to the ward, I spoke with the nurse that runs the ECT suite and expressed my concerns about having ECT and she made the suggestion that I could have fewer sessions per week which should reduce memory loss. Normally they do ECT three times a week (Mon, Wed, Fri) and continue at that rate until one is feeling sufficiently better so that they don't have a relapse of symptoms (in my case depression and anxiety). I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I have to make my mind up by tomorrow as the next ECT session is Wednesday.

Over the weekend, I think the anxiety got to me as I was hearing voices. I didn't really think much of it at the time other than I felt that I was supposed to join the people that were calling me from above (the ceiling). The voices were of different men just calling my name softly. They were actually quite soothing, perhaps because at the time I was suicidal and suicide is often a soothing thought for me. Fortunately, the episode of people calling me was short-lived. I don't intend on telling my doctor or anybody for that matter about the voices. The last thing I want is an increase in Haldol as I'm presently at a good injection dose (on the high side already) that has been working in the past. If they persist which so far there's no sign of, then I will tell my doctor about them. Plus, if I tell my doctor then I'm sure he'll just add that as ammunition to do ECT.

I finally spoke to my husband this morning (the last we spoke was last Thursday night) and although he had some drawn out excuse that he took double his pills and slept for two days straight and that's why he didn't call or take my calls, I don't think he's telling the truth. I suspect that he's been drinking again as he didn't even call me all weekend. I didn't mention my suspicion, rather I just brushed his excuse off and told him that I didn't need him to come down after all and that I would be going to my Mom's after this week with my son until I stabilized. Now I'm thinking that I likely won't go to my Mom's after all instead I'll take my son home. The only real stressor that I have about going home with my son is the idea of having to be expected to cook good meals every night. Before I got sick, I used to love cooking and experimenting with different recipes and I feel that once I move and have a decent kitchen again then hopefully that desire to cook will come back. Right now, I feel so cramped in my kitchen and all the cupboards are a mess in the kitchen because it's so small so everything is jammed in the cupboards and I don't know where half my cooking supplies are. The new house has a very large kitchen with plenty of cupboard space. While the idea of moving is still stressful and anxiety provoking, overall I'm really looking forward to being in the new place.

That's my update for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow or Wednesday and mention what my doctor said and my decision surrounding ECT.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/21/10

2010-01-21T19:47:00.005-05:00

Well the house in Rockport is a done deal! I'm moving March 1st and have to go next week to sign the lease and give them the cheques. The stress of moving isn't so overwhelming anymore so that's good.

My visit with my son went well last night and I am planning on leaving the hospital for the weekend this weekend to stay with my son at my Dad's place. My husband is coming down on Monday (the day I start ECT) to clean the house and then the plan is to have my son come back home some time next week (likely Wednesday) and stay with my husband. Also, I spoke with my pdoc this afternoon to confirm ECT on Monday, request a weekend pass and to outline my plans. I'm hoping that after next week, having three treatments under my belt, I'll be well enough to go home and stay with my husband and son and finish my treatments as an outpatient. I'm really looking forward to getting out of the hospital and back into more comfortable surroundings. Although I hate packing, I am also looking forward to cleaning out the entire house and throwing away clothes and other belongings that I no longer use. I just love throwing things out!

I spoke with my current landlord tonight and told him about my plans to move. He's not all that happy about not having 60 days notice but I just said that given all the issues I've had with the house and the fact that I'm leaving behind a full tank of propane for the fireplace and whatever oil is left over that I didn't feel that it was unjustified. Of course, he didn't agree and was actually planning on calling me regarding a $155 propane tank rental bill that he was hoping I would pay for. Even if I were planning on staying, I would have told him to take the bill and shove it up his ass...to me that's just the cost of doing business and part of owning a rental property. He didn't see it that way but oh well. I asked that he drop my cheques for February through to June that I gave him off at my house. We'll see if that happens or not or whether I need to put a stop payment on the cheques.

I think the new landlords and I are going to get along just fine. The co-owner I met today was very nice and straightforward about things and the person from the marina that takes care of the house was really nice as well. They have agreed to pay for part of the costs of paint and will allow me to paint in February providing I have already paid first and last months rent. This shouldn't be a problem. When I go next week, I plan on giving them a cheque for last months rent then I'll likely give them the first months rent the first week of February. As I think more about moving, I get more excited now rather than stressed. My Dad has offered to help move if I can't get ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) to cover the mover expenses. Although I could likely afford movers myself, it's not an expense I'm prepared to absorb myself if I don't get it covered.

Anyways, I have to get off the 'puter and go call my Mom to tell her about the most recent updates since she doesn't read my blog. It's too high-tech for her I guess! :-)

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/20/10

2010-01-20T20:17:00.003-05:00

I have a couple of updates to report on today. First off, since this is my mental health related blog, I'll start with that. I met with my pdoc this morning and he didn't want to give the anti-depressant (Cymbalta) increase any further time to work so we agreed that I'd start a round of ECT beginning next Monday. They did the necessary pre-ECT routine (ECG and urine sample) this afternoon so I'd be ready and my pdoc reminded me that he would have to take away the last of the clonazepam as well as my Ativan (lorazepam) PRNs which is really scary for me right now. This is standard procedure as all benzodiazepines (*pam) are anti-seizure medication as well and the whole idea of ECT is to inject enough electricity into your head to give your brain a seizure. Scary stuff when you actually think about what they are doing to you. Oh well, it helped in the past and I'm convinced that it will help again this time around. My pdoc also mentioned that in Brockville, where I'm getting this round of treatments done, they do it differently than in Ottawa where I had my last round of 12 done so he said it may require fewer treatments this time around. I hope so because the memory loss is terrible at 12 treatments.

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I'm going to see the owners of the house in Rockport that I might be renting come March 1st tomorrow afternoon at 13:00. I'm hoping to negotiate the rent to $900 from $950 and also ask some additional questions that haven't been answered yet surrounding oil consumption, painting, etc. The idea of moving is slowly stressing me out less and less the more I think about it. I absolutely hate moving even with movers involved. It's the packing and organizing that I hate the most I think but hopefully I can get some help on that front from my husband.

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My son and I went to his appointment this afternoon after school at the Child and Youth Wellness Centre where we met with a counselor (a new one) for the second time. She seems really nice and has a very good bubbly personality just like the past counselor so that's good but my son didn't care - he was still very quiet and didn't come around to saying much of anything until the end of the session (figures). At the end, she asked if there was anything that she could provide, like a treat or something to make the sessions easier on him and all he could think of was money! He said he wanted $50 per session if he was going to continue coming to them. That's my boy - business-like attitude and always trying to make a buck!

I meet again with her alone next week. I know I mentioned that my son has ADHD, the inattentive type, but I'm not sure if I mentioned that he has difficulty controlling his anger (part of ADHD). Hopefully, between the slight medication increase that he will be getting soon and some counseling, he'll learn how to control his anger. It has gotten to the point where he is swearing and yelling at me and throwing things. I know it has been a bumpy ride for him since I first got sick back in 2003/2004 being moved from place to place and having an emotionally fragile father so I'm really hoping that the counselor can get him talking about these issues and how he truly feels about things without worry that he's going to hurt my feelings. In addition, not having a consistently available mother probably doesn't help things as well for him. He disagreed in the session today about that and the fact that he could use some counseling but I'm sure given time, things will improve and get easier for him to discuss with the counselor.

Some them thar are my updates for today. I'll likely post again tomorrow night after I call my current landlord and tell him to take his tiny dumpy house and shove it up his ass!

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/19/09

2010-01-19T09:27:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since my last post and I have a number of updates since my last post.

First off, I have pretty much given up on the rental house in Mallorytown. I still haven't heard back from either owner which is too bad because it's in a perfect location and I know it's nice inside and out. However, I was looking in the newspaper on Sunday while visiting with my son and I found a 2 1/2 bedroom house in Rockport which is only about 15 minutes west of Mallorytown. After exchanging a few e-mails back and forth with the owner, I'm going to see it today at 14:00. I'll have to drive my son to school everyday for the rest of this school year as Rockport is in a different school region but I'll transfer his schooling to a local school for next school year assuming I take the house and stay in it.

I went to check the house out last night just to see the outside and other than the garage door that either requires a paint job or replacement, the house looks pretty nice.

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Last Friday, I wasn't feeling too bad so I went out and bought an electric acoustic guitar so I'm learning that slowly. I love it! My Dad gave me a guitar for dummies book so I'm just going through that and plan on taking lessons once I have mastered some chords and reading guitar tab. I took the guitar home on Friday morning and by afternoon, I was feeling really anxious because I paid all of my bills and it only left me with a small amount of cash left so I ended up going out and buying some beer which turned out to be a big mistake as is always the case. The beer I bought was strong (6.5%) and initially I only bought two king cans (750ml). After finishing these, I was feeling guilty and even more depressed but my anxiety was gone (I totally forgot about my cash flow). I was too buzzed to drive and I knew I couldn't drive back to the hospital in the state I was in so I called my husband just to talk and then I called the ACT crisis team after hours number to see if they could drive me back to the hospital. This was the very first time I ever called a crisis team before. The person that responded to my call gave me a lot of attitude and basically asked what I expected them to do about it. This made me feel guilty for calling the ACT team and made me feel as though I was a pest - not what I need at the time to say the last. More on that later though. She ended up calling the police to come and get me and drive me back to the hospital as for whatever reason, the ACT team couldn't pick me up. I think she was just too lazy to come herself even though that's what they are there for.

While waiting for the police, I went and bought two more king cans as I was feeling really bad and figured if I'm going back to the hospital buzzed, I might as well drink more and get even more of a buzz. The police came just as I was finishing the last can and the knock on the door sounded like they were going to knock the door down. Two officers were at the door and they were really nice. I came back to the hospital at around 19:30 and went straight to bed. Fortunately for me, the staff didn't take any of my privileges away. I felt much more safe once back at the hospital.

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I met with my psychiatrist yesterday for the first time in about a week (he was sick for most of last week). Last Thursday, I spoke with him on the phone and told hm what I wanted to do in terms of medications - remove clonazepam so I was totally off it and increase my Cymbalta (my second anti-depressant). I trusted that he would remember what to do once off the phone with me and once again, I was let down. He forgot to increase my Cymbalta or has he put it, never got around to increasing it. He also didn't remove all of my bedtime clonazepam but instead just reduced me from 1.5mg at bedtime to 0.5mg. This may have been to reduce any withdrawal effects which I must say, if that's the case, it was very proactive of him as normally he would just remove it altogether.

Anyways, so I met with him yesterday and he basically said that he wanted to discharge me because since I was having overnight passes and "out at the bars getting drunk", being in the hospital was of no value to me from his perspective. I disagreed and said that I felt it was a safe place for me to be right now as my mood and anxiety was fluctuating significantly and while I may go out when I'm feeling fine, I could always return to the hospital if my anxiety and/or mood took a turn for the worse. He was a real asshole about it. I asked about the Cymbalta and he increased it as per my request and said he would get back to me mid-week to see if I had improved so essentially he is giving the increase in Cymbalta one day to work before determining if I require ECT or not. I would really like to avoid havinc ECT as it would requre that I be in the hospital for one more month and also because of the negative impact it has on my memory.

Hopefully this Wednesday or Thursday when I meet with him again, I will be feeling a little better so I can stand my ground and tell him that he's not giving the increase enough time to work. After meeting with him yesterday, I just shut right down and felt even more depressed and anxious.

While I was talking to him, I mentioned the negative experience with calling the crisis team on Friday and although he said he would talk to the person that took my call, I shouldn't always expect to get somebody pleasant on the phone after hours. Once again, I disagreed and said that when somebody is in a crisis, the last thing they need is to feel badly for calling the crisis team and being treated as though they are being an annoyance to the team. I found out who she reports to and I intend to file a formal complaint once I'm feeling better.

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The staff won't let me play my guitar on the ward - instead I was told I could play it downstairs on the main level only which was disappointing. I don't understand what the issue is. How could it be disturbing to other patients, especially more disturbing than some of the psychotic patients on the ward that yell and talk to themselves. One of my roommates wakes the entire floor up between 5 and and 6AM every morning yelling and singing and the staff don't mention anything to him. He also sits in the room and yells and sings throughout the day and at night when others are trying to sleep, again, the staff don't say a thing about it. What can I say? Being in the hospital has it's fair share of frustrations.

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I will try and post tonight from my Dad's and report how the house viewing went. If not, I will post in a couple of days after I meet with my pdoc (psychiatrist) again. Now, I'm off to a meeting with my excellent addictions counselor which I'm not terribly looking forward to as I have to tell him about my relapse last Friday. Oh well, more on that later.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/09/09

2010-01-09T20:58:00.003-05:00

Well, I went to the rental house at 15:00 as per my agreement with the landlord and by 15:10 I was calling him on his cel. I didn't catch him so I left a voice mail. By 15:15, I figured I should check my voice mail at home to see if he called and he did indicating that he needed to reschedule the tour until Monday. Fine...called him back and left another voice mail telling him any time on Monday afternoon would work for me and to get back to me and leave me a voice mail with a time.

At least my trip to Mallorytown wasn't a total waste - I went and visited my son for a few hours and had dinner at my Mom's. It was my fav kind of dinner - I brought over finger foods from my place that were left over from New Year's eve - mmm, bacon wrapped scallops, breaded shrimp, shrimp ring, mmmm. Today was a really good day until around 18:00 - things went downhill from there. I think part of it is quitting smoking and tSo the fact that the patches keep coming off in the shower then they're garbage. I have the gum as well but I find the patches work better so I got a step 2 patch from my Dad which doesn't stick worth a shit either (it's a generic brand). I've had to re-stick it a few times now so I've been compensating the weaker patch with gum. I'm just a tad bitchy to put it mildly! :-)

So that's my update for the day. I'm going out tomorrow again to take my son more clothes, a book and his computer because he's getting bored of his PS3 games. I'll likely write a brief update tomorrow but if not, for sure on Monday after seeing the house and meeting with my pdoc.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/09/10

2010-01-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

The past two days were really rough. I was extremely depressed and was full of suicidal ideations. Today is not so bad. I decided to quit smoking while in the hospital since the patches are provided and I've already gained a little bit of weight. Ugh. I hate this part of quitting smoking. It's likely the biggest deterrent for me to quit smoking. I'm going to continue to try and quit and just see how the weight gain goes - if I gain too much weight then I'll start again. I know, I know it's not the best approach but oh well.

I spoke with my psychiatrist yesterday briefly yesterday about how I was feeling and he said we would have to talk more about it Monday when he's back but he figures I may need another round of ECT or a change in anti-depressants. I'm very reluctant to start playing around with my anti-depressants because I've already been on so many different ones and they all take at least four weeks to start working so I think I'm going to suggest that instead, he increase my Cymbalta (my second and newest anti-depressant) and likely start a round of ECT if I can get in on a proper schedule (three times a week). If I do that, I can expect to lose at least eight months of memory since that's what happened last time I did a round of ECT. Oh well, such is life.

On a positive note, I'm going at 15:00 today to look at a new rental house in Mallorytown that's only about a year old. It's a four bedroom, two bathroom house and looks beautiful from the outside and in from what I could see through the living room window. I have a couple of concerns in that the rent they're asking is $1100 / month and that seems steep for a house in Mallorytown and also since it has electric heat upstairs (radiant heat downstairs). I went through my budget spreadsheet and I can afford it with the assumption that the hydro bill would be around $400 / month through the Winter months. However, I'm still going to try and negotiate a better deal. I'm shooting for $1000 / month. I'm really excited about going to see it as it is _so_ much nicer than where I live now (a small two bedroom). The only reason I'm living where I am now is because it was the only rental available in Mallorytown at the time that I was looking. It's embarrassing living where I am now - I don't want to have anybody over because the place is so small and dumpy. My son hates it there too. His bedroom is tiny and in the shape of an L.

I'll put up another post tonight when I get back to the hospital and let y'all know what I thought of the place and whether I was able to negotiate the rent down.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/08/10

2010-01-08T06:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a really bad day. I was very depressed and had a lot of suicidal thoughts. I'm not sure why - I woke up feeling fine at around 10:00 but as the day progressed, I got more and more depressed. My movements were even slow in that I was walking like a zombie and I didn't have any interest in talking to anybody. I just wanted to curl up and die. I'm not sure if it was in part due to my medication change (reduction of clonazepam and increase of buspar) or what.

On another note, today is the day! I'm quitting smoking as of today. It is just past 6 AM right now so when we have breakfast at around 7:30 then they'll give me my patch for the day. I figured that I don't have enough going on right now so why not add in quitting smoking to the mix. :-) No, in all seriousness though, I figure that in the past when I've tried to quit smoking I got depressed so what better place to quit than in the hospital. In addition, I get the patch for free while in the hospital so if I'm going to be in here for another month or so then why not take advantage.

Well, that's all for now. I'll post later this evening and let y'all know how it's going.

...J

Me and My Beast - 01/06/10

2010-01-06T14:29:00.003-05:00

I never really completed my last post but there have been some significant changes since then. My husband and I broke up due to his alcoholism and the fact that his personality generally stresses me out. I also met somebody else which I was hoping could possibly turn into a relationship but I made the mistake of giving out the URL to my blog and telling this person about my illness and now he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Although he has indicated that it has nothing to do with me or my illness, rather it’s him and his “personal issues”. When I prodded for more information on what those issues might be, he indicated that it was partly to do with the fact that he’s not out to his children yet and the only other reason he mentioned was “financial reasons” which makes absolutely no sense to me. In addition, what also doesn’t make sense is that when I went and met him for coffee at his place last week (our first and only physical meeting so far), he told me that he had a 2 ½ year relationship with somebody in Montreal so either he’s afraid of me and my illness and just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he could only handle such a relationship due to the long distance physically between him and Montreal. I haven’t mentioned yet that this guy lives in a small town only about 25 minutes from my place. He is very cute, he’s older and mature (which I really like) and he has three boys, two of which are roughly the same age as my son. It’s really quite unfortunate that he’s not looking for a relationship because we have a lot in common – we are both gay fathers, we like the same music and food (so I gather from what I know of him so far) and we’re both mature and have other things in common. When I met him at his place last week, although I was somewhat nervous, I felt relaxed and relatively calm around him. There’s just something about him that made me feel relaxed and free unlike the way I generally feel around new people. I’m not sure, maybe it was the music he was playing (The Hip) which I really liked, the surroundings of his apartment, him or a combination of everything but I felt well adjusted there. We have agreed to be friends and have made tentative plans to meet for lunch or dinner sometime in the near future.

Something else that is new is that I’m back in the hospital in Brockville. I had a breakdown of sorts last Wednesday evening and ended up enclosing myself in the laundry room (my son was at my mom’s) and drinking beer and cutting myself with a razor blade to relieve the anxiety. My ex-husband called (don’t remember what for) as I was in the process of doing this and so I told him and he called my mom. Fortunately, the razor was quite dull (I had used it several times to shave already) so the cuts weren’t deep enough to require stitches or glue. What precipitated the anxiety attack I don’t know but I suspect that it was in part due to the fact that ever since I broke my ribs (a whole other story) about two months ago, I began drinking regularly (not heavy, just daily) to relieve the pain – or so that was my excuse to drink anyways. I think it just got to the point where my meds were being excluded due to the drinking and I had an anxiety attack.

My mom rushed over and was clearly disappointed in me that I had been drinking and cut myself again. She drove me to the general hospital as per my request and I was subsequently transferred to the Brockville Mental Health hospital where I was admitted. It’s been a week so far and things are looking up. I am working with my psychiatrist and changing some medications around that will hopefully put an end to my anxiety issues. All other mental health issues are under control except my anxiety. More specifically, we are cutting out the clonazepam because a) it works just like alcohol from the brains perspective and b) it is addictive and requires constant increases to remain effective. Instead, I’m going on a medication called buspar which works differently than the “pam” drugs for anxiety and I was on it before and it was effective. The only reason I went off it was the fact that my ODSP benefits don’t cover buspar and I was unsuccessful in obtaining a section 8 to cover the costs (the reason was that I hadn’t tried enough “pam” drugs first even though my psychiatrist indicated that I had been on a few already in the past). This time around, I figure if I could afford to buy a case of beer every other day then I can afford to buy buspar and cut out the beer.

Also, today, as I was getting out of my car and about to head back into the hospital, I met up with my old addictions counselor whom I had seen in the past for alcohol related issues and I really like him. We seem to click in terms of a therapist/client relationship and I feel really comfortable around him so we went into the TriCAS (TriCounty Addiction Services) building and we met briefly to update him at a high-level and re-register me into their program. I feel great today. Energetic, confident and overall well adjusted. I think it’s in part due to the medication, being off the alcohol and the fact that I have accomplished something and that is getting back into TriCAS. In addition, I was able to bring in my netbook yesterday to the hospital so I can now use my netbook for Internet connectivity thus the reason why I’m able to post this while
being in the hospital.

So things are looking up and it has only been a week. I intend on staying in the hospital until I am completely off the clonazepam and I have had a few sessions with my addictions counselor. I’m expecting this will likely take about one more month.

Before going into the hospital, my mom reluctantly called my ex-husband to see if he could take my dog while my son would go to my dad’s for the duration of my hospital stay. Instead, he offered to come to my place and look after my son and dog there which at the surface was a good thing because that way my son wouldn’t have to leave home and all his beloved possessions (XBOX 360, PS3, computer, etc.). My ex-husband came down which turned out to be the biggest mistake of all! While at the surface things began fine – he cleaned my house and looked after my son and dog, things turned for the worst last Sunday when I went home on a day pass to do some work. I found out that while I was gone, he had been drinking heavily (as previously mentioned, he’s an alcoholic) at my expense (on my credit card I left for groceries and anything else my son needed) and during the night while drunk, he passed out and dropped his cigarette on my duvet and started my bed on fire! He could have killed my son, himself and the dogs had my dog not barked and woke him up. The fire burned a large hole through my duvet and subsequently through my comforter that was under my duvet. Fortunately my dog woke him up or I could have lost everything. After he told me that, he began his usual high-strung ranting and bickering at me about various stupid things that didn’t really matter which of course stressed me out. We ended up getting into an argument and instead of dealing with things rationally and talking things through, he just up and left back to his apartment in Kingston leaving me with my son and dog while I had to return to the hospital by 20:30. Needless to say, this really stressed me out beyond belief so I called my mom and told her what happened and she said she would take my dog. Then I called my dad to make sure my son could go to his house for the duration of my hospital stay which he said was fine (as expected). My mom came over and got my dog while I packed up all of my son’s clothes in preparation to go to my dad’s house.

My son didn’t take any of this very well – the argument between my ex-husband and I or having to go to my dad’s to stay. Originally we were going to bring his computer to my dad’s so he could play his beloved computer game but instead settled on taking his PS3 instead which was _a lot_ easier to pack up. To make the transition a little more comforting for my son, I also called the hospital and explained my crisis to the answering nurse and asked if I could get an overnight pass so I could stay with my son for the first night at my dad’s. After clearing this with the on-call doctor, the staff prepared my meds for the night and following morning, I went and picked them up and stayed at my dad’s. I returned to the hospital the following afternoon after I had completed my work at home and drove myself in. All-in-all, I think I handled the very stressful situation quite well and didn’t take one sip of beer or one swipe at my arm with a razor! I now have my car at the hospital which is great because now I can drive to Tim Horton’s in the morning to get my coffee and just generally am more mobile having my car here.

Well, that’s my long, drawn out update for today. Expect frequent updates as my hospital stay continues.

…J

Me and My Beast - 12/10/09

2009-12-10T15:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a _long_ time since my last post. To be honest, I forgot all about this blog until I came across sections of it in a Word document on my computer. I'm doing very well right now. I'm presently listening to Christmas music (Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton and the Chipmunks) and am as happy as ever. If only I could beat this drinking problem. I was in the hospital in March of this year for depression and almost went in again in October. I think it's due to the drinking beer. I can't seem to help it. No medication including the benzodiazepenes (sp?) don't help for the anxiety. So all in all I'm doing better as long as I'm drinking. I haven't had any hallucinations or delusions since being on the Haldol. Just bouts of depression.

I'm planning on going to college in September 2010 for computer programming. I figure it's about the only computer job I'm going to get that's close to here. My husband and I are still together although struggling. We're planning on moving back in together in July, once my son's school year is over. We'll be living in Kingston where the college is that I intend on going to.

I'm going to cut this short. I'll add more later.

...J

Long time, no post

2009-07-26T04:46:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been a long time since my last post. A lot has changed. I'm now going through the motions of getting a full time job (so much for the doctor thing) in my old field - computer security in Toronto. I have a couple of exciting opportunities in the works, one of which I'm really close to getting. It should be a good post with excellent benefits and salary.

Mood wise, I'm not doing that great though. I tried to commit suicide again by overdosing on clonazepam last week (50-100mg - whole bottle full). Needless to say, it didn't work. I even wrote (well typed) a suicide note leaving my last wishes beyond what's in my will. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I can have the best of times for a period of time then suddenly I just crash and get all suicidal. I think the stress of finding a job is getting to me. It's not the interviews, meeting new people, or anything like that rather it has to do with timing. You see, I was hoping to get a job once my son was out of school at the end of June but that didn't pan out. That way, I could work for the summer and see how I do with a fulltime job again before uprooting my son and I back to Toronto. Now, at best, I'll have a month to test the waters and find a place (another dreadful undertaking). I don't want to live right in the city because I'm worried my son will fall into the wrong crowd and get into trouble so I figured, I'll live just outside of the city in a nice suburb. However, that's compounded with the fact that I won't be able to get a mortgage for some time partly due to the bankruptcy two years ago, partly because I don't have a down payment. So, I'm stuck with renting which means that I have to find a place to rent that's close to where I intend on buying sometime down the road in order to avoid having to switch my son to yet another school.

Aie yie yie! The things me has to think about. I know my friend in the west end would find me a decent place but again, I don't want to live in the city. The only way I would live in the city is if it's a nice burb and I could afford to send my son to private school. Somehow, I feel safer with him in a private school setting. It just seems that better kids go to private schools and there would be less of a chance of my son getting into trouble. You see, he's a rather stubborn (and spoiled) boy that likes to take chances (within reason) and he's quite adventurous so I could see him easily being persuaded into getting into small time drugs and smoking which is definitely not what I want.

To completely change topics, I got another eyebrow ring today. I only have the one - I got one a couple of years ago and decided to take it out. This time it's not coming out. Call it a semi-midlife crisis I dunno but I just like them. It makes me feel like the freak that I am.

Anyways, I just got a brainiac idea that I have to run by a friend so I gotta run. I'll keep you posted on the job front.

...J

Becoming a Doctor

2009-03-08T09:20:00.003-04:00

Ever since childhood, I've had a dream of becoming a doctor (among other things but mostly a doctor). I've spent the past couple of days doing research on what it takes to become a doctor in Ontario and I think I can do it. I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in this blog, but I only have a grade 9 education. (I was a rebel in my early teenage years as my parents can attest to! That I know I've written about in this blog.) So I figure I can attend Athabasca University (based out of Athabasca, Alberta) as they have no admission requirements in terms of high school academics and take a BA in Psychology (which is another huge interest of mine) with some biology and chemistry courses to satisfy university medical school admission requirements (I've researched remember). This way, I should be able to maintain a high GPA given that I'd be highly interested in the content.

The thought of all of this really excites me! It would give me a purpose in life beyond being a father, husband, brother, uncle, son whatever. I would have an achievable goal, albeit a long term goal as it would take 3 years for the BA then another 4 years of med school then a 2 year residency (assuming I stay with a family physician role). At least I get paid for the residency though. I'm kind of interested in emergency medicine though as well. I could picture myself working in an emerg department however I definitely couldn't handle the pressure of being a surgeon - at least not something as critical as a cardiac surgeon.

Anyways, just thought I'd share my aspirations with you as it's 9:30AM and nobody is awake yet so it's just me and my computer and iPhone. Oh, how I love my iPhone!

...J

My husband and I - 03/06/09

2009-03-06T20:45:00.003-05:00

Ha, notice I didn't say "My ex-husband and I". We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks about reconciling and what's best for myself, him and of course my son and we have come to the realization that it's best that we try it again. He has to get treatment for his issues with alcohol which I can help him with in terms of hooking him up with resources in the community. I know a thing or two about addictions having gone through various addictions at different stages of my life. We haven't nailed down a date when he would move in yet. We're still working on getting him EI benefits to carry him over while he's in inpatient treatment.

Well that brings you up to speed to this point. I'm going to bed now.

...J

Me and My Beast - 02/19/09

2009-02-20T21:01:00.003-05:00

Visit From the Ex
I don't know if I've mentioned it or not in here but my ex-husband and I have been talking on the phone the past couple of months. He's off work again and not doing well mentally or with the alcoholic side of things. Since he broke off the marriage last August I've been trying to figure out why. The only explanation he has given me is that he's not in love with me anymore. He loves me but he's not in love with me anymore. This because of the fact that I broke off our marriage prior to that because he was driving me crazy. I needed space for awhile. That's when his drinking binges began - about one year ago and continues.

Anyways, on with the visit. He came down with our two labs (dogs) with the understanding that I would be keeping the dogs for good and he was coming down for one night and I would drive him back the following day. I got depressed being around him and not being able to cuddle, kiss and just generally be "around" him. I decided to take a bunch of pills - 7 days worth. I would have taken all 11 days that I had but he was already questioning what I was doing in the kitchen for so long. So 7 it was. It was a lot of pills! The long and short of it is that I didn't die (obviously) unfortunately, just suffered through the overdose symptoms. It was my Mother's and my idea not to go to emerg as it could impact the welfare of my son. Still, we drove around until 3AM making this decision. I was in lala land, shaking inside and out. I had these strong feelings of depression still for my ex since our breakup but it was different seeing and being around him. I guess I figured once he came down that the place was fairly decent and that he could envision himself living here with my son, our dogs and I but I guess not so. He's too stuck to his job in Kingston to leave his apartment. I swear he's going to work there right up until retirement the way he talks. I don't know what is so special about it - I mean it's a fucking hair salon just like the one around the corner in the mall, just like the one down the street, just like them all! There are plenty of hair salons in Brockville and he has an edge up on two of them because he knows people that work there. Well actually three because I know a guy at another salon but I didn't mention that.

This is all I can get out so far for this posting. I'll come back to it later....

Me and My Beast - 01/28/09

2009-01-28T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well I tried. I only had seven days worth of meds to down but I tried. I bought a bottle (750ml) of wine from the local store and drank it after taking all my clonazepam for those seven days. I finished the wine and I don't remember what happened after that (likely due to the imovane I took along with the clonazepam). I know I called my husband and that's how my Mom got here. My son was still awake playing on his computer while I was doing this.

Needless to say, I survived. I didn't receive any medical attention - just Mom attention. As far as my son was concerned, I just drank a bottle of wine. He wasn't aware of the medication taken thank god. I figured I needed to plant a seed so my son would be ok and not find me dead in the morning and that is why I called my husband.

I've been feeling more and more lethargic and depressed lately. I haven't had the desire to drink coffee that much (I'm a big coffee drinker) but I force myself because that's the only way I can stay awake during the day. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me the energy or motivation to do anything. My washer is broken so I have to go to my parents to do wash - what a pain in the ass that is. I have four baskets of clean clothes that still need to be put away. The dishwasher needs to be emptied. Agghhh, I can't handle it all right now. I was fine and could handle it all before and nothing drastic has changed in my life since then.

I spoke with my pdoc last Wednesday and he's reduced my clonazepam and put me on tomazepam to aid in sleeping as I've had a tremedous amount of difficulty staying asleep for the past few months. My application for government coverage for Buspar was denied because "we haven't tried enough *pam drugs". That's bullshit, I've been on at least five of them however my current pdoc was not aware of a couple of them. His plan is to put me on clonazepam three times daily (morning, dinner, bedtime) although he didn't put this into effect when he called the pharmacy. Not sure why not.

I'm going to be starting a round of ECT again (likely 12 again) with follow-up maintenance ECT once per month. I'm hoping that will kick me into gear and get me out and keep me out of this rut that I'm in. I just have to get some blood work and a physical done by my doc then I'm good to go. I'm read' to go as my old friend would say it.

I don't think there's anything else to report for now.

...J

Me and My Beast - 12/21/08

2008-12-21T14:00:00.002-05:00

My son is at his Mom's for the weekend for a Christmas family reunion. It's now Sunday and due to the amount of snow we have and will continue to get, he will be staying over again tonight. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized just how dependent I am on him for survival. I've been overwhelmed with nothing but suicidal thoughts since he left. I keep thinking I should strap on my boots and make my way to the local store where they sell wine, liquor and beer and grabbing a magnum of wine and perhaps a 40 pounder of whiskey and finally, gravol. You see my plan is this - drink a moderate amount of alcohol not so I'm drunk, just really buzzed. Take some gravol (to prevent puking) then take my two weeks of medication I have. Finally, drink more alcohol until I pass out. Between the alcohol and clonazepam, it should kill me and if that doesn't, certainly lithium poisoning would (I would think).

Of course these are just thoughts. I wouldn't do it because it's not the right time, it's too close to Christmas and if I survived I could never live with myself missing my son's Christmas while I sit in the hospital. I just want to be able to live for me, my son and the rest of my family but it's just not like that right now. Days are long, nights longer. Life is overwhelming but at the same time boring. I suppose perhaps I'm overwhelmed with boredom. I need a full time job or something but I'm scared I won't be able to handle it and what that would do to me if such a thing happened.

I dunno, I gotta go for now....

...J

Weight Update and more - 11/15/08

2008-11-15T09:24:00.004-05:00

Shortly after my last weight update post, I weighed myself again and thankfully, it has decreased to 190! However, I've been eating more (probably more than my daily calorie intake recommendation) so I haven't gained any more weight but I haven't lost anymore either. Oh well, I know that once I go back to my calorie reduced diet, I'll be losing again. Most of my pants are far too big now so I wear a belt but it's obvious that they're too big given the size below the waist and the legs. I'm not buying any new clothes though until I reach my target weight.

My head is much clearer now that the cogentin has gone through my system. It is really bizarre that I could take it for 2 or 3 years without any untoward effects. There are only two differences between now and before; I'm taking Wellbutrin anti-depressant in addition to Zoloft and I'm on Haldol as opposed to Risperdal.

My son stayed at his Mom's last night. I was depressed as soon as I dropped him off. I think it's because I just like spending time with him and am so used to having him around all the time - he's like my little buddy. I dreaded going home to silence and being alone so I hung around Brockville for a bit and got dinner for myself. I got even more depressed when I walked in the house and it was just me and Scotty (my baby pug). I wrote an e-mail to my ex-husband but didn't send it. It was rather nasty but it felt better at least releasing my thoughts and feelings in written form (thus partly the reason I have this blog). I was thinking about suicide and the fact that I had 8 days worth of pills and combined with some alcohol, I may just succeed. I was considering going to the store to get some booze. Needless to say, I didn't follow through with that plan. Instead, I took Scotty out one last time for the night then went to bed at 7PM. I felt much better when I woke up this morning.

On another totally unrelated note, I started addictions counselling a few weeks ago. I don't really think I'm an alcoholic totally rather I feel I'm a situational alcoholic meaning that I tend to drink a lot when I'm in a bad place in my life. It's going fairly well although I missed my last appointment because I was debilitated that day - lying in bed dozing in and out all day. I called to reschedule a few days ago but haven't heard anything back yet.

That's all I have to say for now.

TTFN,

...J

Me and My Beast - 10/27/08

2008-10-27T15:11:00.002-04:00

Well I've been doing pretty well considering I'm off the booze and pot. Today I'm rather depressed but I don't know why. Nothing has changed - at least not that I'm aware of. Perhaps it is due to less (significantly) coffee I've been drinking. Yesterday I only had one cup and same with today. It's a good thing though without coffee, my anxiety has been down some. Speaking of coffee, I went to make a pot this morning so I took out the basket where the grinds go and emptied it. I filled it back up and then I lost it. I've searched everywhere for it and I just can't find the fucking thing. Fortunately, my Mom has like 10 of these baskets (I know - she's a freak) so she brought over two for me for tomorrow morning.

I quit taking the Buspar because it's expensive and I didn't think that it was doing anything for me. However, my Mom insisted that I go back on it as she had noticed a positive difference when I was taking it so I started again last night.

I used to take cogentin for a couple of years when I lived in Toronto. It's purpose is to reduce and possibly eliminate the side effects of an anti-psychotic medication. It worked well for me, reducing the shakes in my hands and stuff. So my hands to be shaky again (this time on Haldol anti-psychotic) so I started taking them again as of yesterday. OMG, it was awful. First of all, I don't really have any recollection of the events from yesterday so it affected my memory. I do recall driving my son's brother and sister home. It was raining out and I couldn't really see the lines on the road and with nobody to follow, I was veering into the next lane then back over to my lane. One of the times I veered, I was completely in the lane where oncoming drive was. Next thing I know, I was head on with a big fucking truck. Luckily he swirved right away cause I didn't until I passed the truck. For some twisted reason, I found this amusing. I didn't have a clue where we were supposed to be going, sometimes I didn't even know what road I was on, the kids kept saying "where are you going". I didn't have an answer. I ended up driving to Brockville three times (20 mins each way) using different routes. I knew I had to take my son's brother and sister home which was in Brockville but I didn't want them to go hungry (this was about 7PM) so in one of my trips to go to Brockville we stopped at Burger King.

It was all just fucked up. I felt like I was stoned or something.

That's all for now but I'm going to come back to this entry and finish it. I just don't have the patience to sit at my 'puter.

Weight Update - 10/07/08

2008-10-07T13:52:00.002-04:00

One positive thing is my weight since getting of Risperdal has dropped by 40lbs and counting. I'm now 200 so a little belly. My goal is 160 - my weight before going on Risperdal.

Real Anxiety Cure - 10/07/08

2008-10-07T13:26:00.002-04:00

So I'm on this medication now that is supposed to deal with anxiety - Buspar is the name. It's not covered under any drug plan so I have to fork out something like $80 / month for it. So far it's helped slightly. You know what really works for anxiety for me anyways - and it's something I've resorted to since a teen. Alcohol, pot, and self-cutting - all of which work much better than any fucking medication I've ever been on.

Right now I'm in a high anxiety state - my husband fucking dumped me, moving out of my parents and into my own place again and the responsibilities that come with it, my son (he's an angel sometimes, devil other times). To add to it, I went and got a puppy (Pug) which is soothing sometimes and other times a big fucking bag of stress. All of this happened in a span of four weeks or so.

So what have I been doing to deal with it - drink. I don't like drinking every night - especially because of the message it sends my son. But if I didn't drink, I'd be in the hospital for sure. Likely after stabbing myself in the stomach. That's the new thing - cutting isn't good enough - I want to stab myself. That's the last thing I want is to be back in the hospital. I think the only reason I get better in the hospital and because all of my responsibilities are taken away which is somewhat comforting if only for a week or a month. Although my hospital visits in Brockville in the past have been months long I believe. That was in the beginning.

I think I'm going to go get some pot and just smoke it after my son goes to bed. It was pot all along while staying at my parents because I couldn't drink there. So I'd go smoke then go hide and enjoy the ride it took me on.

Hopefully I'm not painting the picture of a crazed lunatic cause I'm not. I don't know what I need to be honest to fix this anxiety problem.

Any ideas? Comment then.

Me and My Beast - 10/03/08

2008-10-03T20:18:00.003-04:00

Well things are going fairly good thus the reason for not posting (I forgot). I'm now on Buspron or some such which is for anxiety. I've been anxious for a long time but I didn't think there was a solution to it other than deep breathing and relaxation tapes but these didn't work very well. Buspron is helping but I think I could use a higher dose. On a positive note, we moved in to our new place. It's a two bedroom but with an office of a good size. It's awesom, I've got satellite in the two bedrooms, the office and the living room. My family has been hugely supportive. My Mom's painted the whole house almost. We've compromised on the colours. :-) On a negative POV, my husband has left me because he wanted to stay in Kingston to stay at his place of employment. He told me this one week before I took the house which fucked my finances but I think I can make it through without him. His income would only be $500 after ODSP took their half. So I cut back on the savings for car repairs and general savings. I left the gift savings (pretty well my son's Xmas) the same. I think I'm in good shape, I'll end up with $1500 for my son's Xmas.

Well I just wanted to give an update which I have. Will talk to you soon.....

-- Update --
Things seemed a little rosier on this day.

To the Anonymous Comment - 05/27/08

2008-05-27T18:38:00.002-04:00

This post is addressed to the person that left a comment on a previous post that indicated how trapped they felt on ODSP. I would like to chat with you as I went through the same thing and am still going through it to some degree. Perhaps we could share stories and I can provide some advice to you. If you want, e-mail me at jwilson29@gmail.com and we can go from there.

Regards,

Jason

Me and My Beast - 05/17/08

2008-05-17T13:30:00.003-04:00

Well I'm fully off the Risperdal now thank god. My psychiatrist had to bump my Haldol from 5mg to 10mg (I know, big jump) due to some residual psychotic thoughts/feelings I was having. I've been on 10mg now for about a week and it seems to be working. I was told that it's possible, as one of the side effects of going on a higher Haldol dose, is that my eyes could roll back in my head and stay like that until I get to emerg and have them inject me with a combination of cogentin and ativan. Not a lovely thought, thank god it never happened to me. I seem to take medication well though in the sense that my body needs more medication than most would require so a 10mg dose may be like a 5mg dose for somebody else. I think I've always been that way.

It's like a combination of being manic and in a psychosis at the same time. It's exhilarating.

So I'm trying to get in touch with my future landlord to confirm a definitive date for the completion of the renovations. The last we spoke, July 1st was going to be doable but I'm sort of questioning that now. We may need to get another car cause my husband's is gonna take a shit anytime now I can see it. The debate lastnight at my husband's was whether he should just stay in Kingston (physically) until he gets licensed and "knows how to do stuff" or move in with my son and I in July and commute until he gets licensed and "knows how to do stuff" at which point he would look for a job in Brockvegas. I'm not really comfortable with him staying in Kingston but whatever.

That's all for now. I'm sorta bummed now.

...J